The True Story of Candace Johnson: From Country Girl to Military Woman -18

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Dakota [: 00:00:04

Imagine growing up in a small town, dreaming of adventure beyond the horizon. Now picture trading those childhood dreams for a pair of combat boots and a mission to serve something greater than yourself. In this episode, we talk with Candace Johnson, a proud army veteran who shares her deeply personal journey from the farm fields of Washington to the battlefields of military life.

Kim [: 00:00:29

Hear her powerful story of resilience from facing the challenges of being a female soldier to overcoming trauma and how she transformed those struggles into a passion for helping veterans. You won't wanna miss this inspiring episode where strength is born from hardship and purpose is found in service. Welcome to Dog Tag Diaries, where military women share true stories. We are your hosts, Captain Kim.

Dakota [: 00:00:58

And Captain Dakota. The stories you are about to hear are powerful. We appreciate that you have joined us and are eager to learn more about these experiences and connect with the military women who are willing to share their stories in order to foster community and understanding.

Kim [: 00:01:15

Military women are providing valuable insight into their experiences, struggles, and triumphs. By speaking their truth, they contribute to a deeper understanding of the challenges they face and the resilience they demonstrate.

Dakota [: 00:01:29

We appreciate your decision to join us today to gain insights and knowledge from the experiences of these courageous military women. Thank you for being here.

Kim [: 00:01:46

In this powerful and heartfelt episode, we sit down with Candace Johnson, a proud US army veteran who served as a human resource specialist from 2,009 until 2,013. Candace shares her story of growing up in a small town in Western Washington, her decision to join the military after the impact of 911, and the challenges she faced as a female soldier.

Dakota [: 00:02:11

She opens up about her difficult experiences with sexual harassment and assault during her service and how she has chosen to grow from those moments rather than let them define her. She will be discussing how her military journey shaped her and helped her discover her true purpose, serving veterans. Well, thank you for joining us, Candace. We're excited to have you on.

Candace Johnson [: 00:02:33

Thank you for having me.

Dakota [: 00:02:34

Yeah. Of course. So how we like to begin is please tell us a little bit about you and your childhood.

Candace Johnson [: 00:02:41

My name is Candace, and I served in the army from 2,009 until 2014. I grew up in a small town in Washington. One of the main things we did when I was a kid is that we raised horses and so that horses and showing horses and doing rodeo has been like a really big part of my upbringing and kind of like developing who I am. And along with that, also just working on the farm and maintaining all the things that it takes to raise horses, which is a lot. One of the main things is that, you know, all my friends used to go on, like, vacations and stuff to, like, Hawaii or, like, whatever. And, we never got to do that because when you have horses, you have to have someone to take care of them, and it's hard to trust somebody else to do that. And so because of that, my mom did a really good job of making our home life like a vacation every single day. It was very fun at our house.

Candace Johnson [: 00:03:27

She always would have, like, little sleepovers with our cousins, and she would make them, like, really fun where we'd have, like, bonfires and roast marshmallows, and we'd all sleep in the living room, like, in our sleeping bags. And I just remember her really teaching us to that happiness is a choice rather than something that happens to you. It's a way that you choose to look at your life and that you can make your own happiness, and that's really what she did for us as a kid. And as far as growing up, my dad was a very, he's a small business owner, and he has a dump truck that he drove to provide for our family. And so within that too, he really just he's someone who taught me how to be a very hard worker and to always strive for the best and that if I'm going to spend my time doing something that I might as well be the best at it. And so I really owe that to him. So that's just a little bit about, I guess, how I grew up. Very country girl, and anybody that knows me knows that that's translated into my grown up life because I now have my own little homestead, my own little farm, and I really that's what I enjoy doing now, and I actually really enjoy just being at home.

Candace Johnson [: 00:04:27

I don't need to go on vacations or anything like that because my home really is a little slice of paradise for me and my family.

Dakota [: 00:04:33

Yeah. It sounds like you took that from your childhood and implied it into your adult life because it's such a powerful thing for you.

Candace Johnson [: 00:04:40

For sure. Yeah. And it's nice that even with my life as busy as is and as stressful as it gets, my house is always a little slice of heaven, and that is something that's really important for me and what I need to maintain the rest of my busy life.

Dakota [: 00:04:54

Yeah. That's huge.

Kim [: 00:04:56

Alright. So what does your household consist of?

Candace Johnson [: 00:05:00

Actually, it's me and my husband, and then he has 2 kids. 1, she's 25, and so she's out of the house, and she just comes to visit on weekends. His son is 15, and he comes over every other weekend. And then my husband's mom also lives with us. We have, I think, like, 50 chickens right now.

Kim [: 00:05:23

50? Oh my god. Can Dakota have 2?

Dakota [: 00:05:26

It's horrible. I tried.

Candace Johnson [: 00:05:29

I I yeah. I when I tell people that but, within that too, so we, one of our goals at home is that we have strived to get to where we provide about 80% of our food either from our land or from a friend's land. And so about half of those chickens will be food for our freezer here in about a month. So then we'll be just back down to the normal 30 chickens.

Dakota [: 00:05:49

The normal 30.

Candace Johnson [: 00:05:50

The normal 30, the ones that lay eggs and some of them are pets. I've got 2 Polish chickens. They have, like, these big afros on their head. They're hilarious looking, and their personalities are super funny. And then we have a giant garden, which right now, all I've got left in there, I think, is potatoes. But we grow tomatoes, zucchini, cucumber, potatoes, I think I said that, onions. And I can a lot of that. And then I free I I also, like, flash freeze a lot of it too so that we have meals that we can pull out in the wintertime, and it makes making dinner really easy.

Kim [: 00:06:21

Oh my gosh. Can we come live with you?

Dakota [: 00:06:23

Yes.

Candace Johnson [: 00:06:24

Yes. I tell all my I literally tell all my friends. I'm like, if you'd like, we can just make you a little house on my little property, and we can just be a little family, and we'll all have dinner together. That would be my dream.

Kim [: 00:06:37

Well, that's what life's about. Right? Provide, like, community.

Candace Johnson [: 00:06:40

For sure. For sure.

Kim [: 00:06:41

And happiness and living off the land and love and

Candace Johnson [: 00:06:45

For sure. Yes. So, whenever you guys would like to come up, I will make you dinner, and I will show you around the farm. And we can do all the tours together, and it'll be super fun.

Dakota [: 00:06:55

Perfect. So tell us, why did you join the military?

Candace Johnson [: 00:07:01

So when I was in 6th grade, that's when 9:11 happened. And I can remember that I didn't really understand. I didn't know what a terrorist attack was, and I didn't understand the impact of our country. I didn't understand that I hadn't quite grasped yet that there were other countries that were trying to hurt our country. And so when 911 happened, I can remember in the morning when the first plane hit, I can remember my parents being very upset and very scared of what was going on, and they couldn't believe it. And I went to school, and as the day went on, again, I can remember the teachers being very, very, like, concerned with what was happening, and we didn't do school that day. We sat and we watched all of everything unfold on TV. So that became a really big part of my upbringing in school.

Candace Johnson [: 00:07:47

Soldiers going to war and patriotism and just that feeling remember that 9 12 feeling you know of the country being whole and that was a huge part of me turning into an adult so from 6th grade to 12th grade. I had a good understanding of what the army was and what the army did and you know that that was something that heroes did. And so I can't really remember the exact moment, but I do know that throughout high school that that was something that was in the back of my head that I wanted to do. I wanted to do something that was part of a bigger purpose, part bigger than myself, bigger than just what I wanted or what I needed in my life. I wanted that aspect of being a part of a team and not really that aspect of sacrificing and serving. And I didn't know why and I didn't know how, but I knew that when I got out of high school that I was gonna join the army and nobody else was gonna tell me different. And when I decided to do that, my mom was very sad and scared because this was a time when there were soldiers dying in war and it was happening regularly. You know, we would see it on the TV.

Candace Johnson [: 00:08:49

And so my mom was very upset, but she wasn't going to stop me. My dad was an air force veteran and he was extremely upset as well, and he was like, Candace, this is not the life for you. You do not wanna do this. You have no idea what you're getting yourself into. Please don't do this. So both of my parents were begging me not to do it, but I'm a very stubborn individual. And so when I get my mindset on something, there's not anybody that's gonna be able to steer me away from that and that's what I was gonna do and that's what I did. I went down to the recruiter's office and I told them, I want to leave tomorrow.

Candace Johnson [: 00:09:23

I don't care what job you give me. Just sign me up and get me on that bus to basic training because this is what I'm gonna do. And luckily, my recruiters who is now one of my very good friends and someone who I love,

Kim [: 00:09:36

You don't hear that too often.

Candace Johnson [: 00:09:38

No. I have been very blessed in everything that I've done in my life, and I am very, very grateful for that. But my recruiter, she's like, okay. Just hold up. She was like, let's look at your ASVAB score. You know, you scored pretty high. So what I'm gonna do for you is I'm gonna pick you a couple jobs that I think would be really great for you, and we'll try to get you the soonest ship date for those jobs, but I'm not this isn't gonna just throw you to the fire.

Candace Johnson [: 00:10:05

And so she picked 42 alpha, which is s one, which is what I ended up doing. She picked, I think, a communications job, like a 25 uniform, and then she picked, I think, supply, like, a 92 alpha or a 92 Yankee or something like that. So a 42 alpha would ended up being what was shipping first. So I had to wait about a month or a month and a half to go to basic training.

Kim [: 00:10:24

And just for our viewers, can you explain what a 42 alpha?

Candace Johnson [: 00:10:29

Yes. So a 42 Alpha is a human resources specialist. They're someone who works in personnel, and so they deal with promotions, awards, pay, leave, anything personnel. So it was about a month and a half, and, I was getting ready to leave for basic training. So I got to I went to basic training in Fort Jackson, South Carolina, relaxing Jackson as people like to call it, which I can tell you that we did not relax. Well, you know, whatever. To each their own. I did my basic training and my AIT both there, because the 42 Alpha Schoolhouse is there in Fort Jackson.

Candace Johnson [: 00:11:02

So I got to Fort Jackson. I remember getting off the bus, and, they were just, like, yelling at us, like, get off the bus. Line up. You know? And I'm like, we don't even know how to be soldiers yet. Like, why are you guys yelling at us? But, you know, I know like, tuck in your shirt. I'm like, why do we have to tuck in our shirt? This is ridiculous. But I also just remember being like, I'm doing this. Like, this is where I'm supposed to be.

Candace Johnson [: 00:11:29

And even though it was, shocking, it was definitely, like, shell shock. I knew that was exactly where I was supposed to be, and I was happy to be there. As most basic trains, we spent a a week in in processing, and I went to where our I can't even I I have been out for 13 years, and so I've lost a lot of the language of the military. That's okay. But we went to where our main unit was. And I remember it being so hard, but I remember waking up every day and just being like, wow. I'm doing this. I'm actually doing this.

Candace Johnson [: 00:11:57

And I do remember also, like, thinking having a lot of, like, I can't do this. Like, I can't rock mark 10 miles. I can't run 2 miles in 18 minutes or whatever the thing was. You know? And I can't do this every day getting up at 4 AM and having people just yell in your face. You know? But it was weird how that coincided with, wow, I'm actually doing this. Like, I'm just taking this each day by day. I remember the male drill sergeants being very, very professional being like, they definitely had a space. Like, we were not allowed to talk to the male drill sergeants as females without a female battle buddy.

Candace Johnson [: 00:12:31

There had to be 2 of us there or there had to be 2 yeah. We always had to have 2 of and a battle buddy there, and I remember them being very on top of that. And so within that, it didn't feel like they were inappropriate in any way. But I do remember our female drill sergeants being extremely inappropriate, and with what I mean by that is that they were very mean, and they used to come into our base and they would tell us how nasty we are. And if we were talking to the male drill sergeants at all, they would, like, target us, like, we were trying to flirt with the drill sergeants. It was like a very mean girl situation. Like, just constantly, they would tell us that we were just the scum of the earth and that, like, this is really awful, but, like, I remember my female drill sergeant one time saying, like, your mom your mom should have swallowed you. And they were very mean, mean drill sergeant.

Candace Johnson [: 00:13:23

So I yeah. And I couldn't believe that.

Kim [: 00:13:26

You wonder how that that translates into making an effective soldier.

Candace Johnson [: 00:13:31

Yes. So when I was in high school, I was not a part of the popular group. And as a lot of people can probably resonate with that, you know, there are those group of girls who are the popular ones and they kind of make everybody else feel left out. And that's what I kind of felt like this was with these female Joe sergeants is that they were just, like I said, very mean girl. They would pick 1 female soldier to bully and just bully her to the 9 until she couldn't take it anymore. So that was something that really developed a lot of mental toughness in me. I that was something what helped me really understand what sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me. You know, that was something that really gave me that first step of mental toughness.

Candace Johnson [: 00:14:11

So I graduated AIT, and I went on leave. I went home on leave for 2 weeks. And so in October of 2009, I got to my first duty station in Fort Sill, Oklahoma. I had been stationed in a field artillery unit, which at this time in 2009, females were integrated into field artillery, but back in this time, females were not allowed to serve in combat MOSs. And so the main MOS that was in my brigade was a 13 bravo, which is their field artillery specials that shoot, like, really big cannons, and girls were not allowed to do that. That's the most I I remember. So people like me who had support MOSs like a 42 alpha, like personnel or supply or communications that were stationed up at the headquarters were able to serve as females in these units. And so when I got to my unit, I had pinned to point orders actually to a battalion to serve in their s one, but girls were not allowed to serve down at the battalion's end, so I got put up at the brigade headquarters.

Candace Johnson [: 00:15:09

And so in the 1st couple weeks, there's a lot of training that soldiers have to do, like driver's training so you can get your military license. I can't remember what a lot of the other trainings. So I spent my first two weeks doing trainings with NCOs who were not my NCOs. They were NCOs that were in charge of these training programs, but they were still within my unit. And the reason that I went into so much about the female and male drill sergeant is that when I got to this unit, it was primarily male NCOs. There were a couple of females, but it's primarily male NCOs. And I went into this with the mindset that these male NCOs were going to be very professional and that when they there was no manipulative or alter ulterior motives when they with any interactions with them. So within 2 weeks of me being at my unit, I got done with one of my trainings, and the training NCO offered to give me a ride back to the unit.

Candace Johnson [: 00:16:00

And it's very common for NCOs to do that because a lot lower enlisted soldiers, especially at their 1st duty station, don't have a car, and the NCOs are expected to make sure that the soldiers get to where they're supposed to go. And so he offered to give me a ride to my unit, and I was like, okay. Yes. You know, like, thank you. I appreciate that. Yes, sergeant. So we get in his car and he said, well, it's lunchtime, and would you like to me I'm gonna go to this really great sub shop. Would you like me to go to the sub shop, or would you like to go to the sub shop with me? And I was like, okay.

Candace Johnson [: 00:16:31

Yeah. Yes, sergeant. You know, that would be great. I don't have to eat at the defect. Like, heck, yeah. You know, I don't ever get to get off post. Like, sounds good to me. And again, you know, within this, I look back now and it's really hard to not, like, think of myself as being naive, but all I had known of male NCOs is that they were professionals and that they were professionals and that they upheld the standard.

Candace Johnson [: 00:16:50

You know? So he tells me, okay. Well, I need to stop by my house really fast. I need to grab something. Do you care if I do that? And I was like, no. No, sergeant. Like, you're helping me out. Like, that's, you know, totally fine. So we get there and he's like, well, would you like to come in my house with me? I'm gonna be here for a second.

Candace Johnson [: 00:17:08

And again, naive me, you do what your NCO says. Like, you don't even there's no questions asked. They say jump. You don't say how high. You just jump. And so I go in and eventually this led to a sexual assault. And it's hard for me when I think back and look at this because it was such a abuse of power. You know, I was already in that mode of yes, sergeant, yes, sergeant, you know, and it wasn't really a place where I could fight him off or I'm a very strong girl and if someone tried to do that to me today, I have no doubt in my mind that I would whoop some butt, you know what I'm saying? Like, you would have to be really wanting to do that to me.

Candace Johnson [: 00:17:47

Like, I'm gonna put up a fight. So it's hard for me to look back, but the best way that I can describe and how I've described it in in the past to other people is that it was kind of like a cat and mouse. If you've ever seen a cat when they've hunted a mouse, they keep their prey alive for a while, and they let it run away, and then they grab it again. And it's so gross for me to think back, but I can just remember him batting me around like a little mouse. So luckily, I say luckily, luckily, it didn't go very far and it didn't last for very long because he didn't know this, but his roommate was home who was another NCO in my unit. And his roommate came down the stairs, and it immediately stopped. And I got up and I went out to the car and I just waited for him to come out there to take me back to the unit. And I don't really remember what was going through my head, but I knew I just needed to get out of there.

Candace Johnson [: 00:18:34

And after everything was said and done, I don't even remember. I don't know what my brain then did, but I knew that I wanted to be in the army so bad, I wanted to be a soldier so bad that there was nothing that was gonna take that away from me. And so I don't know if my brain just pushed that out or, you know, didn't even think about that, but I didn't even resonate in what had happened until years later. That was just whatever. I don't wanna think about it. I'm here. I'm doing the thing. I'm a soldier, and nobody's gonna take that away from me.

Candace Johnson [: 00:19:02

So after that, a week later, I was in my barracks room and I had a knock on the door, and it was this NCO's roommate. And he knocked on my door and asked if he said, hey. I'm just here. I wanted to check on you as things seemed a little weird at the house the other day, and I wanted to make sure that everything was okay with you. And I was like, you know, a sigh of relief. Like, okay. Not all NCOs are like this. I was like, yes.

Candace Johnson [: 00:19:23

So thank you for checking on me. Like, everything's fine. You know? No. I didn't wanna cause a problem. I didn't wanna cause any type of uproar, so I didn't tell him anything. And so I invited him into my room because he was comforting me. I wanted to get off the subject. Well, within about 5 minutes, I realized what was going on is that he was touching my leg, and he was trying to comfort me in more of a way than just an NCO way.

Candace Johnson [: 00:19:49

And so it was in that moment that I realized that these male NCOs were not my drill sergeants. They were not in it for me, and they were not there to protect me, and they did not uphold any type of professionalism. And it was from that moment that I knew that I was in this for myself and nobody else. I I had to be my own defender. I had to be my own protectant. I had to keep my eyes peeled at all times because I could not trust anybody that was here in my unit. And that continued to show itself throughout the year that I was in that unit. I would have multiple higher up officials.

Candace Johnson [: 00:20:26

I worked in the brigade s one, and so I had to work with battalion XOs, battalion first sergeants, battalion on a regular. These were my people who I communicated with. And regularly, I would have inappropriate comments over the phone, in person. It would start out professional and then I would have I remember this one XO would call me up all the time and be like, hey, pretty lady. I just wanna take your clothes off. You're so sexy. You know? And I'm just like, are you, like and again, I wanted to be a soldier so bad that I didn't have it in me to be like, yeah. Fuck you, sir.

Candace Johnson [: 00:20:59

Like, don't talk to me like that. You know what I'm saying? I would just like,

Kim [: 00:21:01

So you get the the motion pretty quick.

Candace Johnson [: 00:21:04

Yeah. So I was a very just quiet. I didn't say anything. And to top that off, the female NCOs in my unit were very much like the drill sergeants that I went to basic training with. They were very mean to lower enlisted soldiers. In my unit, there was not very many soldiers who looked like me. I had blonde hair. I had blue eyes.

Candace Johnson [: 00:21:20

I guess you could call me a girly girl. I don't really see myself that way, but by the way that I look. And a majority of the girls in my unit did not look like that. A majority of them had shorter male type haircuts. They didn't wear makeup or anything like that, and so very quickly my appearance changed. I look back on pictures and I had cut my hair off to my shoulder to where I had the bob haircut. I had dyed it black. I got very heavy very fast, and I started wearing uniforms that were way too big for me and those types of things trying to hide anything that made me attractive because ultimately, again, I just wanted to be a soldier.

Candace Johnson [: 00:21:54

I wanted to be really good at my job and I wanted to be left alone. So after all of that, I got very lucky and in a year I got an inter post transfer to the basic training and processing for Fort Sill. So it was a very neat job. We had our battery only had about 25 people in it, and it was just the personnel people, and then we had another battery that had all the drill sergeants in it. And so those are my comrades. Those are who I went to work with every day. And my time at the basic training in processing, really changed what I thought the army was, and it started to align with what I wanted to do in the army. And so I had a really great time.

Candace Johnson [: 00:22:34

I spent a year in that unit. I went to multiple soldier of the month boards, and I went to a promotion board and got my promotable status there. And even though my points were maxed out at 798 to get promoted to e 5, I still was able to do a lot of things and work. I was able to do correspondence courses and get different achievements. Every board that I went to in I won, I got an AAM so I could get more promotion points. So it was really setting me up for success. And these drill sergeants that I worked with in the basic in basic training and processing were very professional. They were very good, and they were great NCOs to really model for me what an NCO is supposed to be and how to take care of soldiers.

Candace Johnson [: 00:23:13

And so in that unit, I was able to forget about everything that happened at my first unit. That was something that was really important for me for moving on. So in the background of all of this in my personal life, some of that assault and some of that harassment was starting to shine through. I started to pick up drinking very heavily. And as a lot of lower enlisted soldiers do, there's not a lot to do. And so you go out to the clubs and you get drunk, and that's what you do on the weekends. And that's something I really enjoy doing. And it's something that didn't affect me super bad, I think, until later on when I got out, but it is something that I partook in a lot of times.

Candace Johnson [: 00:23:49

Within that, I did face one more sexual assault. I got really drunk one night, and there was a group of soldiers that I would go out with that were from my old unit, and I got very wasted one night. And one of those soldiers I had everybody over to my house one night. I had a off post. Because I was in a training unit, I was able to live off post. And so I had an apartment, and I would have everybody over to my apartment because most of them lived in the barracks. And I know who it was. I know who did it, who put me to bed that night and did what he needed to do.

Candace Johnson [: 00:24:20

And so I did face one more, but that was not something that was gonna stop me from drinking. I enjoyed drinking. I enjoyed partying, and I guess maybe I think that when I wasn't at work, it was nice to be able to not be coherent. You know? There was no time to think about anything that had been happening because, again, my ultimate goal in this is that I wanted to be a soldier. I wanted no one was gonna take the army away from me, so I was gonna do what I had to do to cope with and get through what I needed to get through. I also found myself in a relationship with a man who was a little bit older than me, probably about 8 years older than me, who was married, but he told me his story was is that he was only married for the benefits. Him and his wife had been together and they had kids, and so they were staying married and together in the same house for the children until they graduated, but they lived in separate house and separate rooms. They had no intimate relationship.

Candace Johnson [: 00:25:16

All of this was untrue, and I had no idea. And so I think that a lot of that was a result to of kind of I think I dealt with a lot of unworthiness, and a lot of self worth issues. I didn't think that I was worth being loved by someone who loved me for me and didn't lie to me. And so that eventually got very messy when the wife found out and called me and was screaming me at me on the phone, and I had no idea what was going on. And so within about 3 weeks of that, I reenlisted to leave and go to Fort Lewis back to my home base close to my family and was able to PCS within, I think, a month or something like that. And, really that again, I wanted to stay in the army, but I chose Fort Lewis to get closer to my family and to get out of what I was in. And so I got to Fort Lewis. I really wanted to deploy.

Candace Johnson [: 00:26:14

At that point, I hadn't been able to deploy because, again, my I was in a brigade that only deployed mails because they were combat MOSs. Then I was in a basic training and processing, so they didn't deploy. So when I went to Fort Lewis, I said, I wanna go to a deploying unit, and so I was able to get orders to a unit that was deploying within 3 months. But I got to Fort Lewis and they were like, oh, our deployment's canceled, and I was like, cool. That's what I came here for. No big deal. So my time at Fort Lewis started to really amplify what was going on at the other units. I think that a lot of that trauma, again, I was just really pushing it down.

Candace Johnson [: 00:26:53

And I was starting to face things like depression, and I didn't really know what that was. But the only way that I knew how to really combat that depression was to drink on the weekends. So that's what I did. And I ended up finding myself in a, an abusive relationship. It was very toxic. But in that, I have to admit, you know, that my partner wasn't the only one that was abusive. I was abusive too. And at this point, all of that stuff was starting to spew out of me.

Candace Johnson [: 00:27:18

And there was a lot of threat to my safety in that relationship. It got very physical at times, and it was very verbal. And so I had built up this defense mechanism that anytime that someone tried to threaten my safety, whether it be mental or physical or, you know, they were trying to attack me at all, that I developed this defense mechanism where I would just get really big. I would yell really loud, and I would get really aggressive, and I would get really scary. And there was no one that and I was going to show that you couldn't scare me, you know, that I'm big and I'm tough. I might be short and I might look little, but I am far from little. And so that was something that really came out in my relationship, and it ended up this person was in my unit, so it ended up kinda spilling into my work life, and it really kinda got a label on me that I was a troublemaker and that even though I was really good at my job, I really wasn't that great of a soldier, and I wasn't. I wasn't being a really great soldier.

Candace Johnson [: 00:28:15

You know? I was letting a lot of that spill over into my professional life, and I was after a year and a half or so being at that unit, I ended up getting a DUI because I was drinking a lot. And there was one night that I got in a fight with my partner, and so I ended up deciding to leave, and I was way too drunk to drive. I don't remember most of it. I ended up on a logging road somewhere out in the middle of Roy, which is a very rural area behind the base. I think at one point, I had drove on base through the gates, and I don't remember most of this. And so I ended I ended up on a logging road, and I clipped my car 3 times and landed upside down. I was out there for 6 hours before someone found me and, still very, very drunk. When the police officer got there, they had brought an ambulance, and I was like, no.

Candace Johnson [: 00:28:58

No. I'm fine. You know, nothing's wrong with me. I'm sure that I had been really limber. So I didn't break anything. I think I broke my nose, like, on the steering wheel, but I had I I felt great because I was just still very lit. You know? And the police officer got there and I you know, he did the sobriety test on me and he was like, alright. Well, you know, we're gonna do a breathalyzer now and I had ended up blowing a 0.23, which is very high even going 6 hours without any alcohol at all.

Candace Johnson [: 00:29:25

And so he ended up feeling very sorry for me and he didn't put me in jail that night. And he ended up letting me my partner picking me up and going home. And when my first sergeant had called me to ask what had happened because I've been in the crash, she was like, were you drinking, Johnson? And I was like, no. First sergeant, I was not drinking. And the police officer had told me or I thought so, he had told me that he was not gonna report it to the blotter report so my unit wouldn't find out, which I'm ridiculous to think that that would ever work out, and I probably made that up in my drunken little head. So when my 1st sergeant asked me, she said, were you drunk? And I said, no. I know, 1st sergeant, I wasn't drunk. And so Monday morning came around and she walks into my office, no words, looks at me and snaps her fingers and points to the office and, like, get over here.

Candace Johnson [: 00:30:11

So I come in there, you know, and she's like, why did you lie to me? Here's the blotter report. You were definitely drunk. You know? She's like, now you're gonna get 2 article fifteens. You're gonna get one for a DUI and you're gonna get one for lying to a noncommissioned officer. I knew it was done after that, and this was a time, this was in 2013, and so the army was starting to downsize a little bit. They were deploying a lot less. And so soldiers were getting kicked out for patterns of misconduct and different types of chapters. And so at that point, I had I was done.

Candace Johnson [: 00:30:41

I was in the abusive relationship. I had trashed my career. I lost my promotable status. There was absolutely no way of me making e 5 anytime soon, and I had told her, you know, I just wanna get out. And so she I was very blessed again in this, and she was able to get when I was at Fort Sill, at one point, I had enrolled myself into ASAP about 6 months after the initial sexual assault had happened because I was I didn't know how to ask for help, but I knew that I needed to talk to somebody. And so I told them that I had a problem with smoking spice back then, which was like a synthetic weed. And I knew that that was gonna get me away from the heat of my unit. And so I don't know.

Candace Johnson [: 00:31:22

I can't tell you what was going through my brain, but I think what was going through my brain is I wanted to talk to somebody. I needed somebody to advocate for me and so I had enrolled myself in ASAP. And I had worked the steps through that for about 6 months and it did help back then, but so I had to enroll in ASAP again, which is the army's version of AA, basically. And in the military, if you're enrolled in ASAP more than once, you can get separated from the military for a failure to I think it's a failure of ASAP or something like that. And so my first sergeant had looked at my record and she said, look. Here's the deal. I can enroll you in ASAP. I can have it out of the army in 2 weeks because you are you failed a you're a fail ASAP failure, and I can get you an honorable discharge if that's what you want me to do.

Candace Johnson [: 00:32:03

And I was like, do it. Get me out. I want out of this. I can get away from my relationship. I can go back home, you know, and that's what I did. So with all of that being said, you know, that's a lot of drama. That's a lot of things that happen, a lot of drama and a lot of trauma.

Kim [: 00:32:16

In a short period of time, 5 years.

Candace Johnson [: 00:32:19

In a very short period of time but what I'm trying to get at is that I'm highlighting some issues that have really affected me now that I'm out of the military. Within all of that being said, I loved the army and I had many more great experiences. I had many more memories that will stick with me for a lifetime. I have lifelong friends that I will never forget and if I had to go back and do it all over again, I would do every step of the way of all of those bad times just to be able to live the good times and also to be on the outside now being able to tell my story and help other people like me who have not maybe been as blessed along the way. I have been very blessed with certain leaders that have been in my life that have taken care of me and have gotten me back on the right track. And so it's always important to me when I share my story to really say that even though I'm talking about the bad parts, I still love the military. I would never take any of that back ever. So that's always important to me.

Kim [: 00:33:20

Well, thank you. And now that you're out, let's talk about life after service because you're doing amazing things.

Candace Johnson [: 00:33:27

When I first got out of the military, I it was a shock. It was kinda like that same shock of when you get to basic training, like, this had been my life for the last 5 years and in 2 weeks, all of that was gone. In the 2 weeks, I was like, I'm about to be free. I don't gotta go to PT. Like, I don't gotta nobody's ever gonna talk to me the way I'm never gonna stand at parade rest for anybody ever again. Like, I'm gonna be my own person. I'm a do what I want. Like, no one's gonna be able to come into my room and look and make sure that it's clean enough.

Candace Johnson [: 00:33:58

Like, nobody's gonna tell me how to be me. And so but when those 2 weeks were up, it was a shock and I didn't realize that I was losing a family. You know, I was being booted out of a family. Not just me being booted out of family but me booting myself out of that family because I had a lot of shame. Getting that DUI took a lot from me because I was not the soldier that I'd set out to be, I was not the hero that I'd set out to be and I really trashed everything that I wanted to do, and so I had to figure out where I was gonna go. And I spent a lot of years, I got out in 2013, and I spent until about 2021 with a lot of ups and downs. It was a roller coaster. I would have moments of doing really well in my life and excelling and using the tools that the army gave me to do well at the jobs that I was doing.

Candace Johnson [: 00:34:52

And then something hard would come and those old feelings of depression or of anxiety or maybe something would make my fight or flight go off and I would get that big scary Candace, you know, and again, I would find myself back in those last couple weeks of the army of trashing everything that I had. And really my my go to thing was just to tuck tail and run. Like, if something got hard at a job that I was doing, I'd be like, see you later. I'm not showing up tomorrow. Like, find somebody else. Like, I'd be done. So in, 20 I think it was 2021 was when I really discovered that I had PTSD. And for a long time because I had not deployed, I did not find myself worthy of those diagnosis.

Candace Johnson [: 00:35:33

I didn't think I was capable of having PTSD because I had never deployed that was something that people who deployed got and really I hadn't faced terms with that I had been assaulted in the military that was just it was something that happened to me, but something I didn't think about and because I hadn't deployed or because I got kicked out of the army, none of that, I wasn't worth whatever had happened to me and the trauma that hap like it wasn't valid. That was not valid because I I wasn't a soldier. I didn't do what soldiers do. I did what soldiers don't do, and I got kicked out. So in, 2021, it was December and, I was in a very dark place. I was very, very depressed, and I was in a point where I wasn't working. I've been very blessed to have a very good husband who I met when I got out of the military and he has been a huge part of my healing process and creating space for me to be able to just be me. And so when I get in these really deep dark depressions, you know, he would be like, you know, it's okay, you don't have to work, you just do what you gotta do to get better.

Candace Johnson [: 00:36:31

You know, if you gotta rest for a month or whatever, it's not a big deal, I can provide for our family. And that's what he was doing at this time. But at about 2 o'clock in the morning, he had woke up to me. I was having a grand mal seizure, and he had woke up to me foaming at the mouth and convulsing. And he is not a veteran. He is not a medical person. He doesn't have any experience with these types of things. So he calls the ambulance and he said that the seizure went on for about 2 minutes and that when I woke up from the seizure, I had no idea who I was or where I was.

Candace Johnson [: 00:37:02

I wouldn't talk and he said it looks he said it looked like the lights were on and nobody was home. And I have very brief memories of this but I'm not very much, most of it is cloudy for me. So the ambulance got to my house and 4 EMTs come into came into my house and I remember this part a little bit is that there was 4 strangers in my house who were about to kidnap me and rape me and I was not gonna let them take me. And so I lived in town. I lived in a duplex where there was many other duplexes, so the entire neighborhood heard all of this going on. My husband said at one point that there was 4 EMTs on the back of me trying to hold me down, and I was strong arming all of them, and I was screaming for my life. They were not gonna take me, and I was not gonna let that happen again, like, absolutely not. And so they finally got me strapped down to the gurney, which they had trouble with.

Candace Johnson [: 00:37:51

I ended up kicking one of them in the face, and I think he had a bloody nose. I ended up biting one of them because they were trying to get an IV into my arm, and I was like, no. You're not gonna drug me. Like, I've seen too many movies. I know how this plays out. You are not gonna take me. They finally got me strapped down to the gurney, and at this point, all I had was my voice, and I was screaming, don't let them take me. Don't let them take me.

Candace Johnson [: 00:38:13

And I was crying. So, they finally get me calmed down. They ended up giving me, I think, some Ativan or something like that, which was able to kinda calm my senses down, but I still had not come out of this PTSD episode. I could not tell what was reality and wasn't reality. I would have moments of, okay, I'm safe, and then I'd be like, who are all these strangers, you know. So it was in that moment that I realized I had PTSD and I had just had a full blown PTSD episode. And when I got out of the hospital, it really became very apparent to me that I could not continue living like this or I was not going to live very long, whether it be dying from a a brain bleed from having a seizure or dying because I took taking my own life because whatever was going on inside of me was spewing out and I could no longer hold it down. So I ended up deciding that I was gonna go back to school.

Candace Johnson [: 00:39:03

I needed something to give me purpose again, and I wanted to use my GI bill. I wanted to not let that go to waste. And so I didn't really have a big plan, but I knew that I needed something to give me purpose. And so I ended up signing up for school, and I decided that I wanted to go into a business management program. And so I was just gonna try out the associate's degree. And within that, I found our local our veteran center at the college. I should mention that when I first got out of the military, I also thought I wanted to try college, and so I did the prerequisites to get into the nursing program. And so I had some experience at the college.

Candace Johnson [: 00:39:38

I knew what the vet center was. I knew what the vet core navigator was. And when I had first gone to school, it was when I it was about a year after I'd gotten out of the army, and something that I remember is that the vet center was a place where veterans were, and they were like the people I served in the military. They talked the same talk. It was the same camaraderie, and I didn't really want to be a nurse, but I stayed in school, I think, because I enjoyed that veteran center, you know, and it really saved my life in that moment. So I found the veteran center when I went back to school, and because it was right after COVID, that wasn't being used very much. But I started to hang out in there every day, and then I decided I wanted to have a little bit more income, and they had a work study position open and so I applied for the work study position to work in the veteran center alongside the VetCorps navigator, which ended up opening this door for what I'm doing now. I realized during working that work study that I love to serve veterans.

Candace Johnson [: 00:40:33

I love that veteran community. So the VetCorps navigator and I, we would do things like throw the veteran ceremony for the college, or we would have little donut parties in the veteran center, or it would really just be hanging out in the veteran center and talking to veterans when they came in. So the next year came around, and I decided that core navigator was leaving the college. And so they were like, Candace, would you like to apply for the vet core navigator job? And so I ended up applying for it. I ended up getting it. And I one of the first things you have to do as the VetCorps navigators. You go to what's called the serving those who serve conference. It's put on the by the WDA.

Candace Johnson [: 00:41:08

And I was so nervous to go to this thing. I actually didn't wanna go because that was a lot of people that I didn't know, and I still was really dealing with depression and anxiety. And I was navigating through it because I had purpose, I had something to look forward to, but I wasn't dealing with it in a way that was productive. I was kinda doing that same thing where I was just shoving it aside and focusing on what was in front of me. So I got to this conference and there was a point where there was a q and a during the conference and I stood up and asked a question and the board of panelists didn't understand what I was asking and so I stood back up and I said, no, that's not what I'm asking. And I ended up saying, here's what I'm trying to say, I'm a survivor of MST. And that was the first time that I had ever said out loud that I'm an MST survivor. And that was the first time that I ever realized that I had a voice.

Candace Johnson [: 00:42:03

It was like someone else was talking through me. It wasn't normal Candace, it wasn't depressed Candace that was talking, it was this powerful, inspiring person who was being vulnerable about what I had been through and there was something about that vulnerability that gave me power and that I didn't have to be big and scary I didn't have to make everybody think that I'm bigger than them and that they can't break me down or that I'm not scared. I was actually just very vulnerable. And now a lot of my I have a friend who he's like vulnerability is your superpower. He was like, that's your superpower, you know, and it and it really is. And I realized the power of vulnerability in that, and it was in that moment that I was like, this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be serving veterans. And that even though I'm not in the military anymore, I still can strive for that being a part of something that's bigger than myself because that is the key to my healing path and to my having a purpose in life.

Candace Johnson [: 00:42:59

I'm a very purpose driven individual. And so the VACOR navigator position last year has really taught me what I wanna do in my service and what I want to do serving veterans, and it's really just showing veterans that they are not alone, that these feelings that we have of loneliness and of being lost and maybe the different traumas that we're dealing with that they are not a normal, that there are a lot of us, in fact, most of us feel any one type of those feelings in certain points of our life. And so through that, through this last year of service and now serving into this year, I have really found that that's where my voice lies. And so I have now started to collaborate. We have a a nonprofit that's here in town that they operate out of our Veterans Memorial Museum. It's in Sehalis, Washington. If you're ever in Shalis, Washington, it is a really awesome sight to see. But out of there, they have a nonprofit that operates that's called Veterans Journey Forward.

Candace Johnson [: 00:43:59

And that's really what their mission is, is giving veterans a journey forward, getting that transition from veteran life to civilian life and still having that purpose that service members had while they were in. And so they do a lot of really cool things, like, they have mental health services there. Lately, we've been throwing what's called a vets night out, and it's once a month. On the 1st Thursday of every month, we have a social gathering that's at a local owned veteran operated and owned business. It's a brewery, so we get together, we provide food, and it's just kind of like a breaking bread. You know? It's veterans getting together and showing that that brotherhood and that sisterhood camaraderie still exists even though we're not in. And so that has, again, like I said, has been a huge part of my healing journey is that being able to serve other veterans. And within that I had already mentioned this but I look at where I'm at now, I look at the difference that I am able to make in people's lives and able to be there for someone who maybe might be in the spot that I was in a couple years ago, be that person for them.

Candace Johnson [: 00:45:03

I think back to I look back at everything that I've gone through, the hardships that I went through in the military, and for 1, I can't believe I am where I'm at now. I can't believe that I've survived that. I can't believe that I am a survivor. And I can't say that with the mindset that I have now that I would probably have handled it the same way as I I I was a tough cookie as a 19 year old, you know, and I'm really proud of her. I'm proud of what she had to do to get to where I'm at now, but within all of that too, if I had the chance to go back and do it again, I would do it again. I would do the assault again. I would do the harassment again. I would go through all of those things to be where I'm at now.

Candace Johnson [: 00:45:42

The way that I like to explain it is that the depths of those valleys, the depths of those sorrows and those dark places are the reason for the heights that I have now and the joy that I have now and the intentionality that I have now and how beautiful and how short life is. I would do all of that pain again to be where I'm at now.

Kim [: 00:46:02

Well, with everything that you went through, what would you tell women military women now that are going into the service or that are already in service?

Candace Johnson [: 00:46:13

If I had somebody coming to me that just wanted to join the military as a woman, I would tell them to do it. I would tell them to a 100% do it, number 1. But within that, I would encourage them to really dive deep and understand the reason why you want to do it, really dive deep into who you are and who you want to be and get a good solid basis for that before you go in because again I would encourage anybody to go into the military. They aren't, the military gave me so many benefits. I'm going to school right now for free. My college education I'm about to graduate with my bachelor's degree, I would have not been able to do that without the military. My health care is paid for because I served in the military. I have all of these benefits now.

Candace Johnson [: 00:46:57

So I would tell somebody who's going in to to really get a solid basis and foundation for who you are and who you want to be in the world and then don't ever let go of that. And really let that be the basis for what you do and why you do everything.

Kim [: 00:47:16

Candace, just because we're going over, I just wanna say thank you so much for being on our podcast, and we appreciate you being here. And this is actually Candace's first podcast, Dog Tag Diaries, but she speaks at lots of events. So thank you.

Candace Johnson [: 00:47:34

Thank you for having me. I appreciate that.

Dakota [: 00:47:36

Yeah. And thank you for being raw and telling us your story. There's definitely someone out there that needs to hear that because that's been quite the journey, and you've made this negative experience into, like, a life changing, like, this is where you're at now, and you're so empowered, and you're doing beautiful and amazing things. So thank you for sharing that.

Candace Johnson [: 00:47:58

Thank you. We appreciate that.

Kim [: 00:48:03

Thank you for tuning in to Dog Tag Diaries. We appreciate your willingness to listen and engage with these stories as we understand the challenge that comes with sharing and hearing them. Your support in witnessing the experience of our military women is invaluable. These stories are meant to inspire and provide meaning, and we hope they can help you find your own voice as well.

Dakota [: 00:48:27

If you or anyone you know are in need of immediate help, call the crisis line by dialing 988, then press 1. There are resources available to help and provide guidance during difficult times. Please visit our website www.reveilleandretreatproject.org to learn more about the Reveille and Retreat Project, including upcoming retreats for military women and resources. The link is in the show notes. We'll be here again next Wednesday. Keep finding the hope, the healing, and the power in community.