Breaking Cycles of Trauma: CJ Scarlet's Path to Empowering Women and Children -24

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Kim [: 00:00:03

From surviving a turbulent childhood and blazing trails in the marine corps to becoming an award winning author and advocate for kids' safety, CJ Scarlet's story is one of resilience, courage, and transformation. Known as the badass grandma, CJ doesn't just talk about overcoming adversity. She lives it. And she's on a mission to help others do the same. Join us as she shares her journey from struggle to strength and offers insights every parent and service member needs to hear. This is one episode you won't wanna miss. Welcome to Dog Tag Diaries, where military women share true stories. We are your hosts, captain Kim

Dakota [: 00:00:50

and captain Dakota. The stories you are about to hear are powerful. We appreciate that you have joined us and are eager to learn more about these experiences and connect with the military women who are willing to share their stories in order to foster community and understanding.

Kim [: 00:01:07

Military women are providing valuable insight into their experiences, struggles, and triumphs. By speaking their truth, they contribute to a deeper understanding of the challenges they face and the resilience they demonstrate.

Dakota [: 00:01:21

We appreciate your decision to join us today to gain insights and knowledge from the experiences of these courageous military women. Thank you for being here.

Kim [: 00:01:38

In this powerful episode, we sit down with CJ Scarlett, an inspiring advocate for kids' safety, an award winning author, and a proud marine veteran. CJ shares her incredible life journey from a turbulent childhood through her distinguished military service, and into her impactful career as a protector and guide for families. Known as a badass grandma, CJ doesn't hold back in discussing both the challenges and triumphs of her life, including her advocacy work helping kids and families stay safe from predators and bullies. Tune in to hear her advice for women in the military, stories of the adventures of marine photojournalist, and her transformational work empowering others to overcome adversity. CJ, thank you so much for being on.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:02:29

Thank you, Kim. I am so delighted to be here with you today.

Kim [: 00:02:32

Yay. Well, before we start in on the podcast, I have to give a big shout out to you because it was recently announced that you won the Woman Veterans Giving Small Business Award given through Women Veterans Alliance. How does that feel?

CJ Scarlet [: 00:02:51

That feels fantastic. It was quite an honor because I know they get a number of submissions, and it's very timely grant because my business is about to go like this, and we could use the funding. So the support that they'll provide, in addition to the funding is gonna be just pivotal right now.

Kim [: 00:03:08

I'm so proud of you. And isn't Melissa Washington the best?

CJ Scarlet [: 00:03:12

I have not gotten to talk to her yet. Oh. I've read about her, but I have not gotten to speak with her. I'm hoping that I will.

Kim [: 00:03:19

Well, she's the best. Wait till you meet her. Okay. She's one of us. Awesome. Okay. Well, you have to take me all the way back to the beginning. Like, I know you're you are like, bad ass grandma, but take me back to your childhood.

Kim [: 00:03:35

Tell me a little bit about how you are were.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:03:39

I was not always a badass. I was a victim. I was raised in a very dysfunctional family. I know everybody thinks they have a dysfunctional family. Well, mine was dysfunctional as well. I was sexually molested as a child up until I was 16, and then I was raped twice at 19 and nearly lured into a sex trafficking ring all in 1 year. 1 of the one of the races by my recruiter, marine corps recruiter, and one was by a sheriff's deputy that I was dating. My 19th year was like the crappiest year of my life.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:04:09

I dove into a deep depression and I had not met the recruiter yet. And my dad, Bonnie, shook me out of it. He had been my dad had been a courier marine. My twin brother was a marine. My brother-in-law, my little brother, just my family, all marine corps. And my dad said, go see the marine corps recruiter. So I did, and I joined the delayed entry program in probably early March and deployed on my birthday in April. And I grew up on stories that my dad told about, like, boot camp at Paris Island in the in the late fifties or mid fifties.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:04:39

So I mean, about how he had his tooth knocked out by a rifle butt for calling his pants trousers or his trousers pants, how he'd been beaten and sworn at and abused in boot camp. And then in the delayed entry program, they taught me how to field strip an M16. I knew my general orders. I knew how to march. So when I got to boot camp, all they could do was yell at me. The girls would be crying in their bunks and I go, and I want to go home. And I'd lay there and think, this is it. All they're gonna do is yell at me.

Kim [: 00:05:05

Oh, my God.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:05:07

This says something about me that I went to boot camp thinking I was gonna be beaten every day.

Kim [: 00:05:11

Yeah. Well, that was a history that was relatable to you growing up.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:05:16

Yeah. So I knew I was so far ahead of the women in boot camp, and I ended up being the honor graduate because I had an edge. And I had a 6 year contract as for photo journalism. And in the contract, it said if I graduated as honor graduate, I would graduate as an e three Lance Corporal. And I guaranteed a corporal within 8 months. And then a year and a half later, I was an e five sergeant. So within 2 years, I was an e five.

Kim [: 00:05:40

Oh, wow.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:05:41

Yeah. I went up the ranks very, very quickly.

Kim [: 00:05:43

And so they promised you that photojournalist job. Did you end up getting it?

CJ Scarlet [: 00:05:49

Yes. I did. And it was the most exciting job you can have in the military because I would ride in a tank one day and stay on the skids of a helicopter and fire a machine gun the next and interview generals and movie stars and grunts. And there's something different every single day. And so it never got boring. It was always exciting.

Kim [: 00:06:05

What year was this when you joined? 1981. 1981. And then you have to tell the viewers more about this photojournalist experience because the little bit you just said really has me super interested.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:06:20

Well, do you want me to tell you the story of how I stopped the war all by myself?

Kim [: 00:06:25

I really do. Yes. Is that the time that you stopped military exercise on your first day in the corps by calling a ceasefire during a live drill?

CJ Scarlet [: 00:06:35

It was my very first day at my duty station at Camp Pendleton, my very first day. And I got to the office and there was no one there but one staff sergeant who was just manning, you know, manning the office while everyone else was at the military exercise. And then they had a media crew come in and want to film the exercise. So they gave, you know, they told me to escort the media crew, film crew. And when I got there, the tanks were rolling and the helicopters were flying and the ships were sailing and the bullets were flying and the cameraman decided he wanted shot with machine gunners. So he stepped out in front of these guys. I'm like, stop. ceasefire.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:07:07

Ceasefire. Ceasefire. And all down the line, you can hear ceasefire. Ceasefire. Ceasefire. The gun stopped blazing. The tank stopped rolling. The ship stopped sailing.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:07:17

And then I'm like, bear, take your shot. And the guys are looking at me like I was crazy. And then I hear, who the fuck stopped my exercise? And it was the commanding general of the base, and everybody went boom and pointed at me. And that's the day I got the nickname corporal gullible.

Kim [: 00:07:36

Oh my gosh. But you saved a life.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:07:38

I saved a life. They were firing blanks the whole time.

Kim [: 00:07:41

Oh, okay. Well, I'm gonna still give you credit. Okay. So what were the steps that led to you having the nickname, Corporal Gullible?

CJ Scarlet [: 00:07:56

Well, it was just that because my because no one had met me before in my office had met me before that moment. And the man who would become my husband worked also in the public affairs office was in a foxhole 10 feet from where all this went down when the general dressed me down in front of everybody. And some of my other coworkers were around. So they all they knew was that this, you know, ditz made this call. It was just it was not a good introduction for me.

Kim [: 00:08:23

As they're in their live exercise. Oh my god. Did they at least get the shot? They got the shot.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:08:32

They got a good shot. It did it. I did my job.

Kim [: 00:08:38

Okay. So what was it like then being this photojournalist?

CJ Scarlet [: 00:08:42

It was so much fun because exactly I started when I was in high school, I I wanted to be in the journalism club, and I never got into the journalism club. And then I tried to get a job at the base new at the, the local newspaper, and they told me I didn't have any skills and I would never be a journalist.

Kim [: 00:08:56

Oh, wait. So you knew at an early age?

CJ Scarlet [: 00:08:59

Yeah. But I wanted to be a writer.

Kim [: 00:09:01

Oh, okay.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:09:02

And I love to be told no because it's like, oh, hell no. You did not just tell me no. And so before I went to the marine corps, I was a firefighter for the forest service. And I worked on a on a forest, a camp base, a forest camp. They had a little newsletter called the Yakety Yak, and I became the editor of the Yakety Yak. And that's what got me into the photojournalism program that and AC and the ASVAB got me into the photojournalism program. So, and I've used those writing skills forever. I mean, I've written 5 books now and have borne the tank and I still use those skills today.

Kim [: 00:09:37

Yeah. And so did you get to write cool articles?

CJ Scarlet [: 00:09:41

I did. Oh my gosh, I wrote the coolest articles. I wrote a little propaganda for the military, but I got to write. I, for example, I got to interview a guy named Harry Harold Comstock, who had been a World War 1 Quartermaster Sergeant in the Marine Corps. And we became friends. He was like in his eighties when I interviewed him and we did a beautiful I was also taking the photos and we did a beautiful layout on him in the base newspaper. And then we became friends with he became friends with me and my husband, the guy I worked with, And we would go up to San Francisco to see Harold once in a while and just spend time with him because he was just the coolest person in the world. And, oh, gosh, there's so many good people that I got to interview.

Kim [: 00:10:18

That must have made him feel really good as well to be I'm sure he was by himself.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:10:23

Yes. Yes. He was widowed.

Kim [: 00:10:26

So you showing interest in him and wanting to, like, share his story probably made him feel seen and heard and loved.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:10:33

Oh, and he was a card. He was a charming man. He did. He was so sweet. Oh my gosh. I gotta tell you this story. One time I was married to the guy I worked with Ernie, and it was a marine corps birthday. So I was wearing my dress blues.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:10:48

And we got a call in the office that one of the tour buses, we would have buses of tourists come through camp Pendleton to learn about the base and everything like that. 1 of the tour guides did not show up and would I escort them through the base? And so I get on this huge bus with all these senior citizens and we're tooling through the base. And I'm talking about, you know, the number of palm trees and then the beach and how long it is and the history of the thing. And we stopped at the general's hacienda. He lives in an hacienda on at Camp Pendleton, whoever the commanding general is. Oh. As I stepped off the bus, there's a beautiful fountain right there. As he, as I stepped off the bus, I felt something slip on top of my foot and I I just wouldn't pay.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:11:21

I was so busy talking to the, seniors that I didn't pay any attention to it. And then everything stopped. Everybody was just looking at me and I kept hearing these giggles and I looked down and I had slipped on a garter to flash at my husband during lunch underneath my skirt and it was sitting on top of my foot. And I said, I shimmied it up and I said, it's just Carter the uniform guys. About a month later, my boss comes and says, okay, there's a bunch of seniors who want to take another tour of the base and they want you as their tour guide. What can you do? It's like, I have no idea.

Kim [: 00:11:57

You have such personality. I love it.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:12:00

I gave those old men a heart attack.

Kim [: 00:12:02

I bet you did. I bet you did. So you always had this love for writing. You were lucky enough to get into the photojournalist because not a lot of people get those jobs. And then as a woman, so did you notice that there was any difficulty from you being a woman getting that position?

CJ Scarlet [: 00:12:23

Well, the sexual harassment in the military is still bad today. It's still, you know, that you're more likely to be sexually assaulted in the military than you are in the civilian community. And, you know, the rape on my recruiter before I went to boot camp had, you know, just when I thought my life was turning around to have that occur was just devastating. And then when I got to the marine base, it was like MASH. I used to think MASH was a funny show, but I don't think it's funny anymore because it was like going through the gauntlet every day. I'd be seeing my typewriter typing up a story and I never knew when someone was gonna come and give me a neck massage or comment about my body and then suddenly I'd be reduced from a professional woman to an object and the harassment was daily. And then my husband wasn't very likable.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:13:04

The senior enlisted folks didn't like my husband. And so to torment me, they would pick on me or sexually harass me to try to get a rise out of my husband. So a lot of things happened that he doesn't even know about because I didn't dare tell him because I was afraid he'd do something and get in trouble. Mhmm. But I our senior master sergeant once put his arm around me and leaned over in in front of my husband and said, when, you know, when are you gonna be with a real man? You know, just crappy things like that.

Kim [: 00:13:30

Oh, yeah. He would have definitely defended your honor.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:13:33

I had to hold him back.

Kim [: 00:13:34

Yeah. Oh, my I'm sorry you had to go through that, and that probably didn't help from all the childhood trauma.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:13:41

No. It did not. It really triggered me a lot. And in fact, a lot of women who go into the military have a history of sexual trauma Yeah. More than the civilian population. Yeah. So it's not uncommon. So that that tainted my experience.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:13:54

I went in with a, like a lion with a roar. I mean, coming out of boot camp undergraduate and making sergeant so fast. And I kind of went out with a whimper. Our last duty station in Albany, George, our commanding officer was, he didn't sexually harass me, but he was a misogynist and he was mean. I I ended up becoming so depressed, I got into therapy and he would introduce me to people as this crazy marine. And again, he messed with me to get to my husband. And so I was just so broken down by the time I got out. I was I was medically discharged for mental health issues after 5, 5 something years.

Kim [: 00:14:24

Yeah. Because your mind and body can only take so much.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:14:27

Yep. And I let's say this would have been 1986 that I was discharged. Well, I was in for 5 just over 5 years. And after that, I went to the civilian community working in public relations and marketing and things like that. And one day in 1990, I had 2 boys by then, 2 young boys. I worked at United Way and I was sitting in a meeting and I suddenly burst into tears and I didn't know why. And for 2 hours I sat in a bathroom stall and just sobbed and I couldn't tell my very, very worried coworkers what was going on, but I took some, they told me to take some time off. So I took a journal and I went to drove to Connecticut where I have relatives and I started writing down my experiences for the first time.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:15:07

And it all came flooding back. All the childhood trauma, all the military trauma, all of it was just sitting in this journal. And I never looked at the big picture before, and I was pretty horrified. I had been a victim and I thought like a victim and I acted like a victim. And I was determined that I wasn't going to let my sons be exposed to that, that I was gonna be a mom for myself, I was gonna break the cycle. So I cut off all contact of my family for 11 years because they were pedophiles in the family. Wow. And that was one of the hardest things I ever did because I was my husband would be deployed or he went to Tokyo.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:15:39

I was a single mom for a big chunk of that time. We divorced in 1993 and then, you know, I was a single mom. I went back to school and got my bachelor's degree. Then I got a master's degree in human violence because I wanted to understand how people could do the things they do to each other. At that point, I was also sitting on the board of directors of the local rape crisis center. I decided that I was gonna spend the rest of my career protecting people, protecting women and children. And a job as a director of a child advocacy center brought me to North Carolina. And then I moved to Raleigh to follow my heart for my second husband and became the director of victims issues at the North Carolina Attorney General's office where I got to Wow, I got to do the coolest stuff there too because they let me do whatever I wanted.

Kim [: 00:16:19

Yeah. So what does that look like?

CJ Scarlet [: 00:16:22

I co led the implementation, this is a mouthful, of the nation's very first statewide automated victim notification system, which notifies victims by phone and text before their perpetrators are released from custody, from jail or prison so they can take precautions for their safety and not turn around and see their rapist standing behind them. You know what I mean?

Kim [: 00:16:40

Oh, yeah.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:16:40

And that was chosen as a national model by the US Department of Justice. It won several awards and it's still in place 28 years later.

Kim [: 00:16:48

Thank you for being part of that movement.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:16:51

Yeah, that feels really good because it's helped millions of people and you know, it all started with an idea. So I continue with my healing work, but I forgot to mention that in 1990, within weeks after that breakdown I had at United Way, I was diagnosed with lupus and scleroderma, which are autoimmune conditions that are often brought on by post traumatic stress, severe physical stress, emotional stress. And I was disabled on and off over the years, unable to work during certain periods. But in 1999, I was so debilitated. My weight ballooned £240 because I was on massive doses of steroids. I was unrecognizable. I looked like an 80 year old woman. I was hunched over.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:17:29

I couldn't hold my cup. I couldn't turn a doorknob because my hands were so swollen and in pain. I hurt everywhere. And in 2002, the doctors told me that my heart was failing, that I could die at any time. And I'll tell you, Kim, I was terrified and I again dove into a deep depression and I waited to die. I just waited to die. And then I got the chance to speak Tibetan Buddhist lama for advice. So I hobbled up to the lama's house and I made a pitiful bow and I burst into tears and I waited for him to shower me with sympathy.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:17:58

And instead he gave me a cosmic bitch slap. And I learned that lamas don't do dramas because he told me that I had to stop feeling sorry for myself and start thinking about the happiness of other people. I was like, I can't take care of myself. How can I possibly help other people? He insisted. So on the way home, an ambulance flew by with a siren blaring and I set a quick wish for the person inside that they would find help in healing and I felt a little flush of happiness. So I did more. I would leave the better handicap spot for someone else at the mom of the crying baby. Go ahead and be in line and I felt happier.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:18:28

So I made it a daily practice to do at least one act of kindness every day. I gave my cane to a woman who was struggling to walk. I left inspirational notes on the driver's side door at the cancer center. I volunteered at the Red Cross after Hurricane Katrina and I felt happier. What had happened is I had become so consumed by my own suffering that I forgot everyone's fighting a hard battle. Everyone has a story of hardship and doing these acts of kindness reconnected me to humanity and it opened my heart and And then it healed my body because within 18 months, my condition went into remission. 18 months of doing these acts of kindness, my body I still have lupus and scleroderma, and I'm still on a ton of medications, but I feel better now than I felt in 1990.

Kim [: 00:19:09

I could believe that because this is what we're all here for. We're all here on this earth to help one another. And we kind of lose that because we all are traumatized in some sort of way, and we just like you said, we internalize, we turn in, we isolate. But once you go out, isn't it interesting that just doing what we I feel like we should be doing on a daily, like you said, leaving kind notes, giving your cane to someone who might need it more. That's what we're put on earth for. So, of course, we're gonna feel more revived and lively because I do ER nursing and I I really have studied all this conditions on a cellular level. I do believe that all that trauma that's stuck inside of you manifests in physical ailments because your body is not made to carry that. It needs to be released.

Kim [: 00:20:02

And if it doesn't, it is going to internalize and you are going to, yes, the auto immune and the cancers.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:20:09

OpEx, you saw cases where the person's attitude made all the difference in the world and how they recovered or not.

Kim [: 00:20:15

Yes. It does. Just like you are a you're that person that shows that.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:20:20

I believe I would've if I had not met the lama, I would've died. I'm convinced of it. Yeah.

Kim [: 00:20:24

You were on your deathbed. How did you meet him?

CJ Scarlet [: 00:20:28

There is a, local Buddhist center here called the Godhapa Center, and he is a resident teacher. And so I got the opportunity to meet with him.

Kim [: 00:20:35

What led you to him? Because something

CJ Scarlet [: 00:20:37

I've always been drawn to Eastern thinking. My dad spent a couple tours over in Okinawa, and he brought little Buddhas home, and I didn't know who Buddha was from anything, but I was always fascinated by them. And then when I got older, I just started kind of playing around with reading books about Zen Buddhism and other kinds of Buddhism, and it spoke to me more. And when I was told I was going to die, Buddhism is very heavily focused on you're going to die, accept that and then be happy where you are. And so it was much more reassuring message to me than, you know, heaven or hell or anything that just didn't make sense to me. But Eastern thought spoke to me. So I meditate and I don't do yoga because I still can't, you know, my hands still can't bend enough to do the yoga, but it's so comforting to me to know that the power is in me to choose what's going to happen next. I can't choose the things that are going to happen outside of me, but I choose how I respond.

Kim [: 00:21:32

Oh, I love that.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:21:33

Life is all about how you respond. It's not about what happens to you. And once I realized that that I was in control, it was very scary, but it was also very empowering.

Kim [: 00:21:41

It is very scary. And talk about that because I feel the same way. You finally are like, oh, I'm in control. But I think because we haven't had control for so long, or we thought we haven't had control.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:21:54

Yeah. But then not choosing is a choice. We abdicate our control to other people where our parents tell us who to be and how to be, and society tells us who to be and how to be. And most people just follow along blindly and they're like, I'm not trying to be judgmental, but they're like sheep. They just are told what to do and they do it because they don't know. They've not had any teaching that have taught them that every single moment you choose, whether you're going to be happy or miserable or pursue this opportunity or put up a barrier and a boundary, every single second, we have control, personal control. In your life, your to give the trajectory of your life depends on those choices you make, Every single one of them.

Kim [: 00:22:33

I love your message.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:22:35

Yeah. And I choose happiness. I choose joy.

Kim [: 00:22:38

And you have been through a lot. We just heard that you were molested and raped and assaulted and all the things. And you decided to turn that into this beautifulness, this bad ass grandma. So what is this all about? Because now you're helping other people stay safe from predators and bullies.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:22:59

Yes. I started after I wrote my first two books. My first one was kind of an inspirational spirituality 101 allegorical tale. And the second one was a badass girl's guide, uncommon strategies to outwit predators for girl you know, for girls 13 all the way into womanhood. You know, about how to protect themselves from sexual assault. And then I had grandchildren and I started to have nightmares about all, because I, again, a master's degree in human violence. So I know all the shitty things people can do to other people. And I started having nightmares of them getting snatched and kidnapped and sex trafficked.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:23:28

And I mean, it's just scariest stuff. And I would wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning and be just shaking and crying and thinking, oh my God. And then finally it's like, I can't keep doing this. I can't keep envisioning these terrible things happening. What can I do?

Kim [: 00:23:41

But these are all the things you experienced. So of course. And then you went to school.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:23:45

Yes. And it was when they became the age I was when I was Melissa that all this started.

Kim [: 00:23:50

Oh, how interesting.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:23:53

It was a trigger. So I thought, well, what can I do? And I thought, well, I'm an advocate. 1, I know how to advocate. And number 2, I'm a writer. So I wrote 3 books for parents about how to empower their kids to avoid bullies and predators and escape dangerous encounters. The first 2 are heroic parenting, which is PG rated for parents of kids 0 to 13 and the other 0 to 9, excuse me. The second one is Badass Parenting, which is the exact same thing, but it's not PG rated. It's a little snarkier, a little more inappropriate.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:24:22

And then my last book that came out in December, in January is, Raising Badass Kids for Parents of Kids 10 to 18. And I have turned those books into an online course. It's launching in January, and it covers everything. It covers who the predators are and how they groom their victims. It covers what the dangers are from online dangers to bullying and cyberbullying, sexual molestation, assault, sex trafficking, kidnapping, sexual consent. Then I go into how to talk to your kid at their age and maturity level, including kids with disabilities. I talk about activating your kids' 3 superpowers or intuition, their, their boundaries and their moxie, their, their willingness to act on their boundaries and intuition, and how to raise a competent kid, how to teach them to fight like a rabid Tasmanian devil using super simple self defense moves that I, that I teach that that they don't even have to remember them. They just go bonkers.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:25:09

I mean, absolutely bonkers. Scream, pinch, gouge, twist, scratch, everything.

Kim [: 00:25:13

Well, just the name sounds like they would. Yeah. Yeah. They would really take to that.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:25:18

Yeah. And the last section is on how to build a closer, stronger bond with your child through daily sharing and monthly family meetings that I lay out for the parents. And so the course is gonna launch in mid January, and there's an early bird special prepared to buy before January 8th. Wow. If folks who wanna know more about this can go to my Instagram at the badass grandma, the badass grandma on Instagram, and they can check my link in bio and find out more about that.

Kim [: 00:25:42

And we will have that in the show notes. So they will be able to see that and then click on it, and it'll take them right there. So these books, am I mistaken that I feel like they've won awards?

CJ Scarlet [: 00:25:54

Yes. They have. I just got another award the other day, the best indie book award. And they're best they're Amazon bestsellers. So, yes, they won awards and

Kim [: 00:26:03

I could see why. Oh my gosh. I wanna give you so much praise right now because you're just saying the words, but I can feel like the things that you have been through. One, because I've been through similar things. And, yes, you fall victimhood because you don't know what you don't know. And then there comes a point where you're just like, oh my gosh. I have to do something or I'm gonna die or take my life or something else.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:26:27

Something has to change.

Kim [: 00:26:29

Yes. And then you become proactive. You're like, you take back your what's important to you. You realize how worthy you are, and you realize, like, this stuff's happened for a reason. And now I'm gonna go out and do what you did. You wrote all these books.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:26:44

Used to crack as rocket fuel to propel you to better things.

Kim [: 00:26:49

Yeah. And you did that, and I'm very proud of you.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:26:52

Thank you very much. I appreciate that. I used to hate myself. I grew up until I was in my forties. I loathed myself and now I love myself so much. It's I can hardly stand it. I just love my life. It's better than I ever dreamed it could be.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:27:04

I've got these 3 beautiful grandkids and I've got my 2 amazing sons and a daughter-in-law that I just adore and a job that is meaningful to me where I'm creating genuine change in helping kids and parents. I just can't believe it's my life sometimes.

Kim [: 00:27:18

Who would have thought from where you came from that right now, you would be so happy?

CJ Scarlet [: 00:27:24

But you know what? All the powerful women I know, all the incredible accomplished women I know have a history of sexual assault in their in their background. And they also use it as rocket fuel. Yeah. I don't know many women that didn't experience something. I know a lot of men that experienced things too. Yeah. Including male veterans. I was at a retreat, like 5 or 6 years ago, and we were meeting, you know, just doing group therapy and I didn't say anything for the longest time.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:27:52

And finally they said, and these people had been deployed in combat zones and I never had. And I said, I don't feel like I belong here because I just, I was just raped. I mean, to that point, I was just raped. And they were like, oh my God, you fought your own battle. Then the men started disclosing the things that had happened to them. And we were all crying by the end of it. I mean, it was just such a powerful moment where I felt so embraced by my male colleagues, and I never felt that before. They were like, we are here for you.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:28:15

We have your back. We've been there. We understand, and you belong right here with us.

Kim [: 00:28:20

How beautiful is that that the community accepts you? Yeah. Because that's what you want after all those years being loved and accepted and seen Mhmm. And feeling like you're worth something.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:28:32

Everybody wants exactly that. You just described what everybody's searching for. Recognition, acknowledgement that they're okay, that they're unique, that they're special, that they are lovable. Everybody wants that. And once I recognize that, that everybody is seeking happiness, just like I am, Even the craziest shit they do, they're trying to be happy. They may be messed up in how they're going about that because they're misinformed or they're ignorant or whatever it is. I don't mean ignorant isn't stupid. I mean ignorant is not knowing the answers.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:29:00

Yes. But that's what I learned. The 3 keys to happiness are generosity, gratitude and understanding that everybody wants happiness just like we do. And once we get those three things, life is a breeze after that.

Kim [: 00:29:11

These books that you're writing are allowing parents and kids to feel like this is a normal topic to talk about. Right? Like, when it's happened way back when with us, I didn't talk to anybody.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:29:24

Nobody talked about it. No. I told one friend, and she was like, oh, yeah. Me too. And then we were sort of like, okay. Well, that's just the way it is. Yeah. The reason they call me the badass grandma is I don't pull any punches.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:29:34

I mean, I'm very loving in my books, but I'm also very snarky. Sometimes inappropriate.

Kim [: 00:29:39

I cannot believe sometimes. Who branded you badass grandma?

CJ Scarlet [: 00:29:46

I honestly can't remember where the moniker came from, but I wear it proudly. Yes. Got a t shirt on that says badass grandma.

Kim [: 00:29:55

Yes. But you heard it, and then you were like

CJ Scarlet [: 00:29:57

I heard. I was like, oh, that belongs to me.

Kim [: 00:30:00

And then you branded yourself. I love it because you do. You have it all over. I love the shirt you have on that says badass grandma. So one question we ask to close this out is what would you tell women in the military and women that want to join the military? What's your advice to them?

CJ Scarlet [: 00:30:19

I get asked that on a on fairly frequent basis by usually by parents. Will you talk to my daughter? My daughter's looking at going into the military. And I am honest with them about which services treat their people better and which ones treat their people a little worse in terms of, you know, just generally, I won't say which ones are which.

Kim [: 00:30:35

We know.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:30:37

We know. We know. But I also tell them that if they're going to go in, they got to have strong boundaries. They have to be able to state when their boundaries are being violated and say, no, leave me alone, back off, whatever they got to do, because I did not, because I was a victim. I was a freezer and a fawner. In other words, people could do things to me and I would even try to make them feel better about what they did because I didn't want them to not like me or love me or employ me anymore. It was crazy, crazy. And so I tell them that they have to have strong boundaries and they have to exercise and because the pressure on them is gonna be really intense.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:31:09

But I also tell them it's an opportunity to learn discipline and leadership and camaraderie, things that are harder to find in the civilian community. I mean, the camaraderie alone. I've worked with the craziest ass people in the military, but I love them all. You know what I mean? The Marine Corps attracts lone wolves anyway. But you put a lone wolf with a bunch of other lone wolves, and suddenly you're

Kim [: 00:31:32

Yes.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:31:32

And I had my pack.

Kim [: 00:31:36

That is great information for all the military women, like, either going in or being there Mhmm. That they can take that and really use it to their advantage. Because you're right, the military does have a lot of beautiful things to give you, like the leadership and the discipline. And you do build, like, this camaraderie even if it was is with lone wolves. And, yeah, you just have to watch out. You really just have to watch out.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:31:59

You do. Yeah. You gotta know that going in, and you gotta be prepared to defend yourself. And the military has gotten better about the command structure. I believe they passed the edict that the commander no longer makes the decisions about what happens with the sexual assault case, for example, that it goes to, you know, JAG, goes to the legal.

Kim [: 00:32:18

I believe so.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:32:19

Because the commanders used to be able to say, well, my Marine wouldn't do that. Or even if he did, she asked for it, or we don't wanna make it look bad, our command look bad, so we're not gonna do anything. Where we may put you, the victim, in another command location or something like that. I mean, it was terrible. And I never told anybody this was happening because it was my my, superiors who were doing it. What was I gonna do? The chain of command was rife with these men who do the shit. It was like, oh my god. I know.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:32:44

You know, what am I supposed to do?

Kim [: 00:32:46

Yeah. And like you said, I think it's gonna get better. I mean, I it's still definitely happening, but the fact that they're changing who it goes to help support those men and women.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:32:56

And the more conversation about it, you were talking about that, you know, making it more acceptable to speak about these things. The Me Too movement had is still leaving ripples everywhere. Women are more comfortable coming up and saying, wait a second. This happened to me, and I'm it's not okay. And more men are stepping up and saying, you know what? I'm a dude, and it's not okay.

Kim [: 00:33:15

Mhmm. I love to see that. I love to see that they're stepping up as well.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:33:20

My sons are like that. One day, my oldest son, when the meet you move just started, he and I had a conversation. And he said, you know, he's in sales. He says, I go to these nurses' offices. You're in these doctors' offices, and I flirt with the nurses like crazy. I tell jokes, I flirt, I do all sorts of things. He said, never once did it occur to me that they might not think I'm funny. Yeah.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:33:39

And he has completely changed his way of doing business because he realized that the flirting that he thought was just cute and charming and everything else, and probably a lot of the women did too, was not appropriate. And I was so proud of him in that moment to say, wow. I mean, he really gets it.

Kim [: 00:33:55

Yeah. Because it was innocent, like you said. And you don't know what you don't know. But when you do know, and if you don't change, that's where the problem lies.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:34:05

That's where the problem lies. And I was so glad he was able to make that leap from privileged white guy to, you know what? This is this isn't cool. And I can't treat women like that. And he especially has 2 daughters. And so he doesn't wanna and a son. He doesn't wanna, you know, reflect that back to them. He's a good man.

Kim [: 00:34:20

Well, yeah, because you had a lot to do with that. Thank you. Yes. You're welcome. Yes. I believe that you did.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:34:27

Do you have any kids in your life that you love and protect?

Kim [: 00:34:30

I do. I have my son. He's 27 years old. Love him. Love him. And I'm very excited to share this with him as well. I send him the podcast when after I interview and tell him about them. So the more information you can tell people and educate them, I feel like the better off that we are and the less this will happen.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:34:51

Yeah. Mothers have to raise their sons to treat women with respect. It's not just on us. It's on society too, and it's on the men too. But we have the biggest role probably in whether or not they get it. Yeah.

Kim [: 00:35:03

I feel like there is a beautiful shift going on in the world. So if we continue with this, I think it'll be wonderful. And I am gonna say because there's strong women behind the movement. Yay. So, CJ, also known as the badass grandma, I wanna thank you so much for being on dog tag diaries. We are so excited that you took time to be here with us because like I said, your story is just so empowering. And then when this releases and people get to listen to it, I hope that they buy the books and then they tell their friends and it just is like a trickle effect. And soon, everyone will have it.

Kim [: 00:35:42

Everyone will have that knowledge. So once again, thank you for being who you are, for believing in yourself, for continuing to fight the fight even when you felt like, oh my gosh. I'm gonna die. And something inside of you was like, nope. Nope. There is more to me than that. So I am so happy for that moment in your life because here you are, and you are loved.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:36:06

Thank you for your praise coming from a you are a total badass. I mean, I I Google stalked you, and you are a total badass yourself, my dear.

Kim [: 00:36:14

Thank you.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:36:14

And so, I'll I, you know, that coming from you, that means so much. You have no idea.

Kim [: 00:36:18

Thank you for the reminder too because, again, I sometimes get stuck, so I appreciate you. Women empowering other women, I love it. And thank you again.

CJ Scarlet [: 00:36:28

Good girl.

Kim [: 00:36:34

Thank you for tuning in to Dog Tag Diaries. We appreciate your willingness to listen and engage with these stories as we understand the challenge that comes with sharing and hearing them. Your support in witnessing the experience of our military women is invaluable. These stories are meant to inspire and provide meaning, and we hope they can help you find your own voice as well.

Dakota [: 00:36:57

If you or anyone you know are in need of immediate help, call the crisis line by dialing 988, then press 1. There are resources available to help and provide guidance during difficult times. Please visit our website, www.reveilleandretreatproject.org to learn more about the Reveille and Retreat project, including upcoming retreats for military women and resources. The link is in the show notes. We'll be here again next Wednesday. Keep finding the hope, the healing, and the power in community.