How Jess Gonzalez Transformed Childhood Challenges Into Compassionate Military Leadership -65

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Kim [: 00:00:04

From surviving childhood trauma to serving two decades in the United States Air Force, Jess Gonzalez's story is one of resilience, leadership, and legacy. She turned her hardships into fuel, her service into passion, and her voice into hope for others still navigating their own battles. You don't want to miss this. We made it Season 6 of Dog Tag Diaries where every military woman deserves a platform to tell her story and have it be heard. I'm your host, Captain Kim, and this community has already racked up over 4,500 downloads. So let's smash 5K together, share these episodes, and help us make season six our biggest yet. In this episode, Dog Tag Diaries, we sit down with Jess Gonzalez, retired United States Air Force first sergeant and community advocate. Jess's journey began in adversity, but through grit and perseverance, she rose to become a leader who touched countless lives.

Kim [: 00:01:15

She served at nine installations, held three Air Force specialty codes, deployed to Afghanistan, and earned countless accolades during her 20 years of. Of dedicated service. She not only served with honor, but also embodied compassion. Checking in on the person behind the uniform and proving that vulnerability can be a source of strength. Jess, thank you so much for taking time and being on Dog Tag Diaries.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:01:43

And thank you so much for affording me the opportunity to just be able to get on this platform and just kind of speak to my story in hopes that, you know, it'll help somebody else down the road.

Kim [: 00:01:55

Oh, I love that. Yes. Because that's what it's all about. Telling the story and helping other women. Yeah. So let's start. Let's hear about little Jess. What were you like as a little girl?

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:02:07

Oh, wow. So my sister would tell you I was Miss Good Two Shoes. Could never do anything wrong. That was what my sister would tell you. Some other than my family would say the same thing. They would say, you know, Jessica is the in the box type of girl. We could never see her going out into the world and doing anything outside the box. You know, people thought I was going to be the, you know, graduate high school, go to college, become a nurse.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:02:39

Right. But never the grow up, go to college and not pan out the way you want it to because you were too busy chasing after a boy and then also dealing with, you know, some stuff with my mom because she had a lot of health issues too. You know, one day, waking up and saying, hey, I'm gonna go join the military. Right. So. But leading up to all of that, you know, as a child, you know, there were definitely some challenges that were faced. You know, growing up some different types of adversities, which I'm sure we'll touch on. That helped me to grow up.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:03:15

Well, I don't know if help is the right word, but caused for me to have to grow up a little bit quicker than what I would have liked to. However, I think that it helped to shape me into the person that I became, not just before joining the military, but it really helped to posture me for some of the things that I was going to encounter while serving in uniform, to then be able to be that advocate for my airmen, to be able to be open and vulnerable enough to share my story with them. So that way that they knew that, hey, I'm not by myself, somebody else did go through something very similar and this is how they were able to navigate those waters. And granted, everybody copes very differently. Right. But at least it really goes back to I'm not alone and I have somebody in my corner that's going to help me through this journey.

Kim [: 00:04:03

That's a powerful message right there. I am not alone. Okay, well, let's go back to that adversity. Growing up, that environment you grew up in was pretty tough.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:04:17

Yeah. So, you know, actually, you know, born in Wilmington, Delaware. You know, my mom and my dad, you know, they were together, they were young, I wanna say my mom was 16, maybe 17 when they had me. And then of course came along my little sister Clarissa. We used to call her the little hurricane back then. And you know, funny enough, well, wasn't funny back then, funny now. One of the reasons we ended up moving to Atlantic City, which is New Jersey, which is where I spent most of my younger years, is because I may or may not have caused a fire in our little apartment. You know, I don't know if you recall or ever heard of the Pink Panther stuffed animal.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:04:58

Yes, I had one of those. And one particular morning, I want to say it was like a couple of days after Halloween, my sister was in her crib in my parents bedroom and she was up and just kind of looking at me as I'm walking around with my little pink panther. And then I remember, ooh, candy, let me try to sneak some candy to my sister. And so I recall putting my pink panther on top of the stove. I sat him on the stove and it was a gas stove. And you know, as I'm taking my little sister some candy, my pink panther went up in flames. You know, it caused the fire. And I just recall jumping on top of the table and yelling for my mom and dad.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:05:41

It took them a minute of Course, to wake up, you know, once the smoke got into their system, that's where they're like, oh my gosh, what's happening? And so, yeah, I want to say I might have been four because my sister and I are about three years apart. My sister was definitely about one years old, so I was probably around three, going on four when all that happened. And sure enough, firefighters are there and they're asking me what happened. And you know, eventually we moved to Atlantic City, New Jersey and you know, we were living with my grandparents. My dad was in and out of the picture. You know, he was young, he didn't necessarily have the best upbringing. So of course when you're growing up and you don't have the best upbringing, you tend to turn to things that are not necessarily the best for you.

Kim [: 00:06:28

Unhealthy coping skills. Yeah.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:06:30

He had unhealthy coping. He turned some things to the bottle, unfortunately. And you know, back then, you know, I blamed him for a lot. Right. Because it's like, you know, no child wants to see their parent heavily intoxicated and dealing with the effects of that. Right. And so, but you know, as the years went on, you know, as I grow and I'm learning and I'm maturing, you know, I start to realize that maybe that's how he felt he needed to cope. You know, he didn't have the right mentors in place like what we have today to help to steer him in a better direction. Right.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:07:05

And so, you know, going back a little, you know, As a tender 4 year old child, having to call 911 on your own father to get him to stop, to get him to realize, hey, you gotta get right, right. You know, and that changed not just his path, but also our path as well. Right. Because he went his way. You know, our family took him in, in Massachusetts and they helped it get him on a clear path. Right. And he got there and we're very blessed to still have him in our lives and to see how much he has thrived and he's improved and he's an amazing father, Uncle Granddad, our kids love him.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:07:47

To seeing the path that, you know, and I'm probably going a little bit back and forth on seeing the path that we ended up going on as a result of that departure. Right. You know, my mom eventually moving on and then of course then Kim folks stepfather into the picture. And yet now, you know, we're faced with yet another individual who the way that they brought up wasn't necessarily the right way. And so they tried to Instill in us the way that they were disciplined. They felt that that was the right way to discipline us, and it wasn't necessarily the right way to discipline us, and it was a lot. You know, as a young child, you're like, man, your father back then, whether it's your birth father, whether it's your stepfather, whoever, they're supposed to be essentially, as they say, the first love of your life. Right.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:08:36

They're supposed to really set the tone for what you're supposed to. The expectation management that you're supposed to have on your future love partner. Right. Whether it's a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband, et cetera.

Kim [: 00:08:51

And so they're supposed to teach you what love looks like.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:08:55

Yeah. Yes. And unfortunately, I didn't have that growing up. I didn't. And so. And that was the unfortunate aspect of all of that. But, you know, even with my stepfather, you know, I gained the courage to say, enough is enough. Like, you will not talk to us that way.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:09:12

You will not treat us a certain kind of way. Because like I told my mother way back then, you know, I get that that's your spouse. I get that you're supposed, as a spouse, you're supposed to be there to support said spouse. But at what point are you gonna support your daughters? Right. We need mom. Right? And so I told her, I said, you know, and I still remember it to this day, I told my mom, I said, the next time that he decides he wants to discipline us in an unfair, unjust way, he needs to just make sure he's got his bags packed and at that front door and be ready to go. Because this time, I will not hesitate to call 911 on him. Justice, quote, as I did when we had our dad at just, you know, at the tender age of four.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:09:57

That was a game changer. I was 13 years old at the time, 13 going on 14. So almost 10 years later, from the day that I had to make that choice with my birth father, I almost was there with my stepfather as well. And so it helped that I finally stood up for not just me, but for my sister as well.

Kim [: 00:10:17

Yeah. I was just gonna say, at such a young age, you had such adult responsibilities that you probably couldn't even understand in your head. You just trying to protect yourself, protect your family, protect your little sister.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:10:31

Yeah, it was a lot, you know, and to this day, you know, I suffer from complex PTSD because of it. And a lot of people don't know my story unless I open up and I share it. And, you know, once this Podcast goes live, and people hear it, they're gonna be like, wait a second, like, we didn't know this about you. And it's just gonna be a matter of, hey, there comes a time in everyone's life where it's just time to just speak up and tell your story as a way of healing. And that's the path that I'm on. I'm on a path of healing. You know, I don't hate my dads. I don't dislike my dads.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:11:09

I don't hold any resentment against my dads, you know, because at the end of the day, they're imperfect human beings just like the rest of us. I like to say that we're imperfectly perfect. Right. And so my hope is that, you know, as they continue on with their respective lives, that they just continue to learn and to grow just like the rest of us and just keep being there for us when we need them. My stepfather is not in the picture anymore for other reasons, but our birth father, he has made tremendous strides in his life, and we're just so very proud of him. And we're just happy that, you know, he is a part of our lives for sure.

Kim [: 00:11:47

Oh, my gosh, Jess, I love all this. And you can tell that you are on the mend, because even listening to you talk, you weren't about blaming your dad and stepdad, which I feel like at a point there was, like, confusion and anger and all of that, but now you're, like, really trying to understand their stories and where they came from, because we all do, and they did their best with what they grew up in. And I love that you talk about that. And then you were even joyful. You're like, my dad's a good dad, and he's a good grandpa, and he's a good person. Yeah. So you can tell you are on the men, because holding that inside, that blame and anger and all that just doesn't work for humans.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:12:29

Exactly. And I mean, and I won't lie, you know, I still have my moments where, you know, there might be something that is said or that is done that might trigger me. But I just tell people, just give me my minute. And then I eventually I regroup, and then I come back to the now. Right. And that's just part of, you know, how I had mentioned earlier that it's okay to not be okay. You know, we're all going to have those moments, whether it's something stemming from our childhood, whether it's something stemming from a young adulthood to even from serving in the military, we're all going to have those moments where we're going to be triggered and we just need to have a little woosa moment and then we come back into the fold, so.

Kim [: 00:13:11

Well, I can already tell what an amazing leader you were just by the story that you just told and how much you've learned from it. So I do want to talk about what attracted you to the military and how did you choose the Air Force?

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:13:25

Okay, so first of all, the military was never in my plan. You know, in high school, you see the people walking around in the uniforms and you're like, oh, what is that? And they're like, oh, that's R O T C. I said, that will never be me. I'm a little wuss. I can't even do a push up or a sit up correctly. You know, the only person in our entire family that we thought was going to join the military was our cousin. You know, she actually did the Air Force ROTC program in Florida. We thought she was it.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:13:56

You know, we even have a picture where we visited. You know, we still lived in Jersey, she lived in Florida. And my mom surprised my sister and I with a trip to Disney and that's where my aunt and stuff lived at. So we stayed with our aunt. Of course, it was during the school year. So we have a picture where our cousin, she's in her ROTC uniform. Right next to her is her sister. And then kneeling are my mom and me.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:14:22

And so the only person saluting in this picture is my cousin, right, because she's the one in uniform. And so now fast forward to me joining the military, right? And I'm going to go fast forward a little bit here and then I'll come back. When I ended up retiring from the military, we redid that photo where now I'm the one in the uniform. So I took the place of my cousin in the photo. My cousin's near next to me, my sister's kneeling, and then my other cousin is there because unfortunately our mother passed in 2007, so she. We had to replace her in the photo. But it was cool to be able to remake that photo. But what attracted me to the military.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:14:59

So when I graduated from high school in 98, I had always thought that I wanted to be a nurse, right? And so I applied to different universities, but out of the state of Florida. However, I didn't get accepted into any of them because I didn't meet a lot of the prerequisites in terms of like community service hours, submitting your applications. In time, I knew nothing. Like, I was not very well educated in that area. You might as well just say my guidance counselor did not take very good care of me. And I really don't know what that really was about. You know, I do know that we moved from New Jersey to Florida my senior, senior year of high school. So there was that change, that adversity of, oh my gosh, like you're stripping me away from everything that I've known, going to a whole new environment, a whole new set of requirements that I now have to meet.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:15:52

Am I going to be okay? Right? I told my mom, don't talk to me for like three weeks. Because when they gave me my class schedule, I was upset. I was like, you know, if we would have stayed in Florida, I only needed to take four mandatory courses. And then I could have went and got a part time job or maybe gone to a vocational school and got a certification. But no, you got tired of the cold weather. So we're moving to Florida now. I have to take a whole new state exam. I got a full eight classes now.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:16:18

I got American Government and economics. All these things I do not like. So I looked at my mama bear and I said, mom, don't talk to me for three weeks. I just need to navigate these emotions that I'm having right now. But yeah, I graduated high school with honors, applied to different universities, did not get into it. So we applied to the Palm Beach Community College, which is now Palm Beach State College. Yeah. And started my journey to becoming a nurse.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:16:45

However, in between me going to college, you know, my mom was still dealing with a lot of health issues. I was dating this guy. It wasn't a very healthy relationship. People try to warn you all the time, but the blinders are on, right? Like, nope, there's nothing wrong with him. Right. And so a combination of those two affected me when it came to my studies. And so I wasn't putting in the time or the effort, you know, especially when we're talking about a nursing program. And, you know, once I failed anatomy and physiology not once, but twice.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:17:19

I was like, maybe being a nurse is not my calling. So, you know, I looked at my life at that point. You know, I lost my Pell Grant. And that was partly as well, because the employer that I was with would not give me the time off that I needed to study, even though they knew my situation. So, yeah, so I lost my Pell Grant. No more college. I'm working over here at Walgreens, I'm working at McDonald's. And I'm just kind of like, mm, this is not it.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:17:46

I have to do something, right? My sister was dating this guy who had joined the Air Force and he had knew of my situation and he was like, you need to join the military. And I said, you know what? All right, I'm going to do it. So I just randomly called some random recruiter. I didn't even know what branch of service it was. He ended up being Army Guard recruiter, went and took the asvab, got the exact minimum to get into the Army Guard. And so as most of us might know, with the Guard and the reserves, it's about what's available, right? How well do you score and what do we have available for you? And so I had asked the Army Guard recruiter. I said, so what job am I going to get? And he said, oh, you're going to be a welder. I said, what is a welder? So he pulls up a YouTube, if YouTube even existed back in the early 2000s, and he shows me what this welder is.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:18:36

And I said, sir, that's not going to work because I can't even handle a hammer properly and you want me to go be a welder. And so now, the guy that I was in a relationship with, his brother was also in the Air Force. He was an engineer. And so when he found out what I was trying to do and what they were going to do with me, he was like, absolutely not. Jessica, I'm coming home on leave for my little brother's graduation. I'm going to take you to my Air Force recruiter and we're going to see what they have to offer. And sure enough, he did. He took me to an Air Force recruiter.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:19:13

You know, they give you the whole spiel about the Air Force, right? And I just stopped that recruiter midway. I said, sir, I don't care about basic training and what it does and doesn't do. What not Just tell me what job can you give me? That's all I want to know. So he said, well, we can make you a personnelist. You can be information management like all the desk jobs, right? I said, sign me up. Where do I sign? As long as I don't need to be a welder, let's go. And so, yeah, so that, that is what started my Air Force journey. I left for basic training on November 1st of 2000.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:19:48

I tell people I was part of the 8 week BMT program before it even was a thing. Because back then in the early 2000s, basic training was only six weeks but I was placed in band flight at the 323rd Training Squadron. I think it's still the best training squadron to date. That's my alma mater. And unfortunately, I really, truly feel like my military training instructors didn't like me. And so they set me up to fail. So I ended up failing some inspections, which caused for me to be recycled back not one, but two weeks because of the type of flight that I was in. Ban flight.

Kim [: 00:20:26

Oh, yeah. And let's talk about the recycling for the viewers. What that means is she has to start all over from the beginning, which really just tears down your mental strength.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:20:40

Everything. Yeah.

Kim [: 00:20:41

You're like, wait a second. I'm starting all over again.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:20:44

So I'm sorry, correction. I only went back two weeks once, right? So I was at risk of being recycled, right? And then you go downstairs, you have a conversation with the senior enlisted leader instructor, right? And they're the blue ropes, right? So the blue rope on their campaign hats mean that they are the best of the best. They are the top 10% of those instructors. And he was like, well, give me one good reason why I should give you another opportunity and not recycle you. And I said, well, I know all my memory work. He's like, oh, do you? I said, I do. And so he asked me some questions. I was able to answer them.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:21:18

He was like, all right, go back upstairs. I'm coming up there in five minutes. I'm going to inspect your area, and if it's good to go, then I will let you stay. And then you only get one more chance after that. So he came up. All I literally did was clear out some dust bunnies from underneath my bed, and that was it. And he came up and found one thing. A little piece of wrapper inside of my little portfolio.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:21:40

That was it. So I got to stay. But, you know, even though they let you stay, if there's another infraction, another failure, no questions asked, pack your bags. You're going back. We're recycling you. We're sending you in reverse. And so here we go again. I failed again.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:21:58

And I looked at my cause. At this point, I had a I don't care attitude. I'm like, all right, you're gonna recycle me anyway? Show me what I did wrong, right? That instructor refused. She's like, pack your crap. Get out of here. I was like, okay. So it was a bittersweet moment for me for a couple of reasons, you know? You know, I really loved my flight mates, the girls that I was in a flight With I was excited to get away from those instructors because I felt like they weren't really for me, they were against me. And I really don't know why, because I was pretty quiet person.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:22:29

Like, I try to stay out of the light. Like I want to be in the spotlight.

Kim [: 00:22:33

It's hard to tell why. But you do know when you're being targeted.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:22:37

Oh, yeah, for sure. And then the bitter part came because, of course, now I'm going back two weeks instead of one. If I would have been on a normal flight, and then if I would have stayed with my original flight, I would have had an opportunity to graduate basic training, report to Keesler Air Force Base for my technical training, and then be able to go home on Exodus for the Christmas break. But because I got sent back two weeks, now I'm in basic training, graduating after Christmas, and then when the clock struck 12, and now we're in year 2001, now I'm on a bus to Keesler. And then when you get to Keesler, everybody's gone. Right. Because everybody's on Exodus except those of us that are just newly arrived onto the base. And so, yeah, so I face adversity from onset of basic training.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:23:29

But, you know, I could have easily allowed it to get the very best of me and allowed it to cause me to not want to finish or to just find any rhyme or reason to just get recycled again or potentially get sent home. But I wanted to prove to myself and to anyone out in the world that doubted that I would make it through basic training that I was going to make it through basic training. And I made it through. For the skin of my teeth, I made it through. So I tell people, if Jessica Gonzalez, little squirming Jessica Gonzalez can make it through basic training, anybody can make it through basic training. Because what it really boils down to is having the right mindset. Do you have the right mindset? What is your why? Remind yourself of your why. Right.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:24:15

And then figuring out what is your purpose. So once you figure out, once you have those three things, you can literally get through anything. You can. As. I'm not saying it's going to be easy because it's not and it wasn't. But you can do just about anything if you have those three things.

Kim [: 00:24:30

Oh, I love that. I love that message. Well, let's talk about your career. You had adversity, but you did gain some. A lot of accolades. And then you had some loss as well during that time.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:24:43

Yeah. So, you know, throughout my 20 year career, I did serve in three different career fields. I started off as a personnelist. Really, really, really love that job. I mean, that was my bread and butter, just all hr. Being able to help airmen, whether it's helping them transition from the Air Force, that was my first job with separation and retirement as a young E1. Aaron Basic I am here helping people who have served, whether it's four, whether it's eight, whether it's 12, 20, 30 years. I am now helping them transition out of service and making sure that they've done their due diligence to have it as smooth as a transition as possible.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:25:22

And then during that time, we had nine, 11 happen and then stop. Loss kicked in. And so now as a young airmen, I am telling people, sorry, you can't go anywhere. Big Air Force has said, you gotta stay. And with that came a lot of backlash. You know, not my fault. Right, but you dealing with a lot of disgruntled people and just finding the right way to communicate the message to them. And so the journey continued.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:25:48

And I got to branch out of the military personnel element, which is where the bulk of the personnel is sitting, and I got to go branch out to different units and just be a part of their culture. So I was the non commissioned officer in charge of the personnel programs for the medics. So I got that exposure. That was cool. There were some pros to that. Like, I don't really have to call the appointment line. I can just be like, hey, can you squeeze me in? Just being able to work for four different commanders, four different senior enlisted leaders, as they're called now, learning the medical culture and how that works, how it's, it's like very different. It's like its own world.

Kim [: 00:26:31

And that was the career you wanted in the beginning. And by the way, I'm a nurse. And so you would have been an amazing nurse. I could just hear the empathy and sympathy and love that you have for helping people.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:26:44

Thank you. I appreciate that. And then eventually, you know, I became, throughout those first couple of years in service, I became pregnant with what I thought was just one baby. I ended up finding out I was stationed at Herbert Field at the time in Florida. And so I would have to go to Eglin Air Force Base because Herbert did not have the OB clinic there. So take the little 10, 15 minute drive to Eglin. I didn't find out what I was having until I was 20 weeks along. And at the time, the base would not tell you what you're having.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:27:20

You'd have to go off base To a OB clinic, they give you the little referral list. Go here, you pay $50, and they'll tell you what you're having. So my good friend Danielle, she was my lifesaver. She went with me to this appointment, and, you know, the lady's there, and she's doing the whole ultrasound thing. And she's like, all right, well, this one is facing up, and then this one is facing down. And I'm looking like, what did she just say? I was like, can you repeat that? And she's like, look at the screen. She goes, there's baby A and there's baby B. And I was like, what? And she's like, you didn't know you're carrying twins? I said, no.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:28:03

I said, I had no idea until now. And still then, I didn't believe her. I was like, can you go get whoever the head honcho is of this clinic, and if you were to talk to Danielle, she'll tell you. I said, go grab the head honcho of this clinic, because I don't believe you. So the lady eventually comes in, and she was like, well, when was the last time that Eglin did an ultrasound on you? I said, well, Eglin only did an ultrasound on me when I was nine weeks pregnant. Other than that, they would check the size of the uterus, they would check the heartbeats. That was it. And she was like, would they really think that they were going to.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:28:35

I said, they didn't hear a second heartbeat. I said, well, you know what? There was one appointment where they had heard a second heartbeat, but they thought it was me. They're like, no, that was the other baby's heartbeat. And I was like, oh, my. I was in total disbelief. I bet. Yeah. And then they're like, they're both girls.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:28:52

And I said, girls? Oh, my gosh. I was a tomboy growing up. What am I going to do with two girls? Right? But nonetheless, nervously excited. Contacted the father of the babies, let him know, and then it was the same guy that I was blinded for way back then. I didn't learn my lesson. Contacted OB clinic at the base. This is the situation. They're like, are you sure? I said, I would not be lying to you right now.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:29:19

I have the printouts right here. There are two. And I'm being told I'm supposed to be high risk. I need to be on extra folic acid. All the good things, right? And so found out in 20 weeks, not even four or five weeks later, I ended up losing them. So it was a very traumatic situation for me. I had gone in for just my regular appointment. They had already done a 3D ultrasound on me.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:29:43

They bring me in to discuss the results of that ultrasound. They had said that baby A wasn't growing as fast as baby B. So we're going to put you on bed rest. We're going to send you to Sacred Heart Medical Center. We're going to have them do a 4D ultrasound on you. But before we do all of that, let's just check for heartbeats. Let's make sure everything's good. So when they go to check for heartbeats, couldn't see, couldn't hear anything.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:30:07

So they're like, well, maybe something's wrong with our machine. They take me to another machine. Nothing. They immediately called the radiology department downstairs. They're like, hey, we're sending down Airman DeJesus to you. You need to kick out whoever's in that room and bring her in immediately. And then they said, do you have a wingman you can call? So I called my friend Danielle. She eventually met up with me.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:30:30

They turned the screens from me. I already knew at the minute that they turned those screens away from me. It's kind of like I knew, but I didn't want to believe. And it didn't really hit me, hit me until they sent me back upstairs and the doctor reveals to me that unfortunately, they're gone. And so then I said to her, okay, so what's next? She goes, we're going to need to induce your labor. We're going to put you on Pitocin. And so my first question to ask was, okay, what do you mean, induce my labor? Are you not going to go via cso? And she's like, no, it's going to be a natural birth. So you're going to go through the full birthing process.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:31:06

And from that moment, the minute she said that to me, that is where I completely lost it. Because in my head, I just couldn't wrap my head. I couldn't wrap myself around the thought of going through that process knowing that they were not going to come out screaming, right? They were going to be gone. And so about 24, 36 hours later, because I wanted to wait for the father of the babies to arrive, I get admitted, and about 24 hours later, they were born, you know, and they took them away. Their father went, they bathed them. He got to do the bath with the babies, and then they brought them to me in a wicker basket. It was beautiful the way that they had them set up for me. And Actually rewind just a tad.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:31:56

The nurse came in, and she says to me, Jessica, who told you that you were having girls? And I said, well, the OB clinic did. And she's like, yeah, no, you gave birth to two baby boys. And I was just kind of looking at her like, what? And then she says, well, do you have names for them? And I said, do I look like I have names for them right now? Like, I am processing. Like, I am in tears. I'm asking God, why? Like, why me? Why do this to me? Right? I've been through so much in my life. Like, why this? Right? So, no, I don't have names for you. Give me some time to process. And so once they gave me that time, you know, I waited until they brought me the babies.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:32:43

And so I got to hold them in the wicker basket. I didn't want to move them. They just looked so peaceful and fragile. I just did not want to touch. Remove them from the basket. So I just kind of held them while they were in the basket. And it was at that point that I decided to name them Christian and Junior. So Christian was just a man that I've always loved, and then Junior.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:33:07

It's more because he's a Junior, because I ended up naming him after his father, naming one of them after their father. And so, yeah, you know, but it. Throughout that journey, though, very traumatic. You know, the Air Force was very supportive of me. The Air Force Aid Society came and sat with me, and they told me everything that they do for us, and they took care of all of the arrangements for me from the transporting of picking out the funeral home. Where did I want to have them buried? I said, I want them home in West Palm Beach, Florida, which is about 10 hours away from Fort Walton Beach. I want them buried there. They literally took care of everything.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:33:44

And we did a humanitarian reassignment, which is where the Air Force will relocate you closer to a stronger support system. So that's where I went to Patrick, or Force Base in Cocoa Beach, Florida, which put me two hours away from home versus 10. And it really afforded me an opportunity to just be able to go and visit with them whenever I wanted to without the strain of a long drive. Right. You know, and still serving in uniform while dealing with that loss and grieving and trying to get people to understand. And, you know, I'm at a base where people don't know me. They don't know my story unless I open up and tell them why I'm there. They just think I'm just a regular airmen that just PCs here to serve, right? And I thought that life would get better from that and it did.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:34:28

You know, I ended up meeting, you know, my spouse at the time. You know, we got married. Life afforded me another opportunity at motherhood. You know, I got pregnant with my now 19 year old son Gio. Had him. But about 14 months after I had him, I ended up losing my mom very unexpectedly. She had gone in for a regular medical procedure not even 24 hours after we ended up tragically losing her. So that was devastating.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:34:57

And dealing with some very. What I would call back then and still do some toxic leadership that misunderstood my intent when it came to my leave and processes and saying that I knew what I was doing when I was trying to game the system. You know, I came back after burying my mother to being presented with a letter of reprimand from a supervisor who said that I had violated what she felt to be the most important core value of integrity first. You know, just picture, picture going through such a traumatic event to then coming back to a military that's supposed to take care of you after you suffer such a loss, right? To then being faced with disciplinary actions for a complete misunderstanding and misunderstanding that was cleared up over the phone when it happened. To then be told that your integrity is in question. Like, I just buried my mother. Right. Are you kidding me right now?

Kim [: 00:35:59

You probably felt like you just couldn't even keep your head above water.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:36:04

Could not keep my head above water. But as with anything else that I've ever encountered in my life, you know, I found my way through it. You know, okay, you've presented me. Now I have an opportunity to provide you my response. And, and my response was at least 15 pages long because I'm like, okay, you want to question my integrity? Okay, I have something for you. So, you know, I reached out to prior supervisors and stuff like that and said, this is the situation. They were in complete shock and all of that, and they supported me 100% of the way. And it ended up going away.

Kim [: 00:36:36

You know what, Jess, if you. And I don't know if you see this, but ever since you were little, I'm just listening to your story. Ever since you were little, it was almost like this was born into you where you knew, even though you were so young, at four years old, you knew this isn't appropriate behavior from your father, from your stepfather, from whoever was giving you the disciplinary actions, and you stood your ground. Like, do you see that through your whole life?

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:37:02

Yes. Yeah. And that's why I had mentioned that I Felt like what happened to me as a child, what I got to witness as a child, while not the best thing or the most favorable thing, I really hope that I was put in those situations to help me grow into the person that I became and that I'm still becoming. Right. Because we're still living, we're still learning, and we're still growing, you know, and that continued in that path in the military because there are so many demands that get thrown at you. If it's not one thing, it's another. Hey, you're going to deploy. Hey, you got to go to this tdy.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:37:35

Hey, you got to go to this training. Oh, hey. Yes, I know you just suffered the loss of your mother or the loss of your twins, but the mission must go on.

Kim [: 00:37:41

The mission must go on. Absolutely

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:37:43

Must go on. You know, forget about the person behind that uniform. The mission must go on. These orders must be cut. This leave must be approved. Right. And so the one thing that was really lacking throughout the loss of my twins and the loss of my mother was having a good first sergeant, one that truly cared about Jessica. How was Jessica doing? Right? And so I had always told myself, you know what? If I ever get an opportunity to serve in the role of a first sergeant, I'm going to go for it.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:38:15

If I can't become an officer, because I once had a dream to become a medical service Corps officer. I said, if I can't be an MSC officer, I'm going to be a First Sergeant. And finally, before that even happened, you know, I ended up being retrained and went into a whole different career field and went into acquisitions and went kicking and screaming, But I went into the contracting career field and thrived there. But eventually, in 2015, I got an opportunity to become a first sergeant. And I applied and I got disapproved, got discouraged. So I applied for a different job, thinking, well, maybe I'm not meant to be a First sergeant, right? But then I didn't get approved for that assignment. And I go to my superintendent, and I'm like, what's going on? Like, my records are flawless. So what I didn't know is that behind the scenes, my leadership at that contracting squadron was working to give me an opportunity to become a first Sergeant, because they knew my story, and they knew not many people actually raised their hands and say, I want to be a first Sergeant.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:39:15

Because when you talk about really being on duty 24 7, you are on duty 24 7, it doesn't care. That phone doesn't care if you're at dinner with your family. If you're at a movie, if you're at a wedding mirror, if you're on a no. That phone rings, it is time to report. It is time to go take care of that airmen. Good, bad, or indifferent, it's time to go take care of that airman. And so, yeah, so sure enough, I go back to my computer, and there was an email waiting for me saying, congratulations, you've been selected to become a United States First Sergeant.

Kim [: 00:39:42

What did you feel? What did you feel when you opened that email?

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:39:46

I was, like, dumping for joy when I tell you I ran into that command section. I ran into my commander's office. Forget protocols. Forget protocols. I just like, sir. Oh, my God, you're not gonna believe this. And he's like, sir, you know, Flerome.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:40:04

Sir. Flerome. What is going on? Sir, I just got picked up to be a First Sergeant. I'm so excited. I know you're about to lose me, but I'm so excited. And he's like, congratulations, Right? And then I was like, oh, my gosh. Did I just really just bolt into your office like this? Sir, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that.

Kim [: 00:40:21

After all the adversity you have gone through, I would have, too.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:40:26

I would have been like, are you kidding me? Yeah. No. But he didn't reprimand me. He didn't yell at. He understood. He was just overjoyed for me, you know, a bit of sweet moment for the organization. Right. But, yeah, so I left to become a First Sergeant.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:40:41

I graduated with my diamond in February of 2016 and just started on my journey, and it was a very, very long, exhausting, yet rewarding journey being a First Sergeant.

Kim [: 00:40:54

Jessica, first of all, I'm going to ask you, would you like to come on for a part two? Because I know there is so much more to this. You're actively serving with organizations like Women Veterans of San Antonio. The mission continues. Operation Gratitude. You were part of a Cohort 8 of beneath the Service Women Veterans Leadership Program. And then one of your most memorable personal achievements, winning the Royal Production People Choice title. I feel like we cannot get all of that into this. So are you willing to come back and talk about.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:41:30

I'm so. Yes, ma'.

Kim [: 00:41:32

Am. Okay. So before we leave the session, though, you said you got your diamond. Do you want to explain what that means?

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:41:38

Yes. So I got an opportunity to be a First Sergeant for seven different units in the Air Force, which is very uncommon. A First Sergeant normally only has about three or four, but I got seven. And I was basically throughout the entire time taking care of airmen. Airmen. Dealing with mental health issues, substance abuse, you know, suicidal ideations, but even great things such as promotions and birthdays and all that jazz. And I was even at the end of it all, every single unit that I went through, everybody would always term me Mama Bear because I was that person and I was that who are you? Let me get to know the person behind that uniform. Because if I don't know the person in the uniform, how am I going to know the person in the uniform? And if the person behind that uniform is not okay, how can we as an organization expect Aaron so and so to function so very, very rewarding.

Kim [: 00:42:32

A leader, setting their company up for success. I love that. I love that. Jess, we have so much more to talk about, so thank you for doing a part two. I just want to take a moment of silence for Christian and Junior and your mom because it is important to acknowledge them. So if you're okay with it, let's just take a moment now.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:42:55

Yes, ma'. Am.

Kim [: 00:43:06

Jess, thank you so much. Thank you so much for sharing your story. There is so much to you. You are such a genuine, loving soul. I could see it in your eyes and I can feel it just from talking with you. And I am so excited to listen to more of your journey. So thank you again for being on Dog Tag Diaries and we will see you again next Wednesday to listen to the rest of your story.

Jess Gonzalez [: 00:43:34

Yes, ma'. Am. To be continued.

Kim [: 00:43:36

To be continued. That's a wrap on today's episode of dog tag diaries season six, baby. We're gunning for 5,000 downloads and 26 Apple reviews and I know we can get there with your help. Share these episodes Leave a Review and let's show the world how powerful military women warrior voices really are.