Breaking Barriers: Kim Henry's Story of Empowerment and Systemic Change -35

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Captain Kim [: 00:00:04

What does it mean to truly advocate for change? Join us as we dive into the inspiring journey of Kim Henry, a Navy veteran turned social worker and advocate. From breaking barriers as a disabled veteran with her service dog to empowering survivors of violence through systemic change, Kim's story is a powerful testament to resilience, identity, and the fight for dignity. Don't miss this episode, call to action and a source for hope. Welcome to Dog Tag Diaries. I'm your host, Captain Kim. Our podcast is where military women speak their truths and share the stories that have shaped their lives. From moments of resilience to hard won triumphs, we hold nothing back. 2024 was a year of incredible milestones for this community.

Captain Kim [: 00:01:01

Our voices were heard in over 33 countries around the world, and we ranked an Apple podcast top 200 on personal journeys in The United States, a testament to the power of authentic storytelling. Now as we launch season four, we invite you to journey with us once again. This is more than a podcast. This is a movement. Let's break barriers, shatter silence, and amplify the voices of military women everywhere. Thank you for listening, sharing, and making this possible. This is Dog Tag Diaries. Join us as we talk with Kim Henry, a United States Navy veteran, mom, social worker, and passionate advocate for survivors of violence.

Captain Kim [: 00:01:58

Kim shares her unique journey from serving in the Navy from 02/2009 to 02/2019 to empowering others through her work at the National Organization for Victim Advocacy and her nonprofit, the Gold Beacon. As a woman veteran living with non visible disabilities and her service dog, Daisy, Kim offers insight into awareness, advocacy, and the importance of systemic change. Kim, welcome to Dog Tag Diaries, and thank you for being here.

Kim Henry [: 00:02:29

Yes. Thank you for allowing me to be here. I'm very excited. Thank you.

Captain Kim [: 00:02:32

Yes. And this you have such an exciting story, and so we wanna start and hear all about little Kim and the influences and impacts of your early childhood.

Kim Henry [: 00:02:43

Yeah. That's a great place to start because I really think that it sets the root or the foundation. You know? And I know people say that, but it really does drive the decisions that we make. It's why I've decided I don't wanna necessarily work in child social work because I how much an impact it has. I would rather develop the systems and help with the policies that improve childhood experiences because I I kind of had a rough one in some regards. I was the second oldest, and then I have three little brothers. So I was one of five and we lived in a very small rural town where there's not a lot of opportunities. Everyone kinda stays there.

Kim Henry [: 00:03:24

You might have that one random kid that goes off to college somewhere. But, you know, I went through some childhood experiences that were really defining. My mom is a great mom. She's made a lot of decisions and changes that I know were probably very tough on her now being a mom myself. But there were a lot of times where I had to be the mom. People would always tell me, oh, just be a kid or just relax. And that is one of the most frustrating things as a child to hear when you don't know how to be a kid, when you don't know how to communicate with your peers as a child, you don't know how to kind of have fun and not worry about how the bills are being paid or who's gonna be upset that day. Or how do I say this without upsetting that person about what this person is doing right As a child, I mean, your brain isn't even developed till you're 26, but here you are as a child with all of this pressure, all of this responsibility, and that made things just difficult for me all the way.

Kim Henry [: 00:04:24

Even though high school, actually, I was always told it's not what you say, it's how you say it. And I would just get so frustrated because I'm like, what do you mean? Like, I said please. I said thank you. But it I realized through my journey of recovery and a lot of things, I realized that it was already making decisions and assumptions when I was communicating with people. So you might have an idea. We might do this class project together, or we should make this the waitress schedule at my job. Right? But we don't need to do that way because I already have it figured out. So thank you, but no thank you.

Kim Henry [: 00:04:59

And that kind of mindset would come out condescending. And as a child, even as a young adult, like, I did not recognize and realize that I was being condescending and I which just broke my heart because I did not want people to feel like I was being mean to them. But because I was a kind of in a constant mode of survival, in a constant mode of having to make decisions and be the responsible person and look out for everybody else. Like, I had already had to make decisions and plans and ideas that were made. And thank you for your ideas and your help, but I don't need it. I got it. Thank you. And so that really set the foundation even from my experience in the navy and half of the navy.

Kim Henry [: 00:05:38

I have I'm one of five siblings, so I have three brothers and a sister. I did help raise my two little brothers who are technically my half brothers. I did help raise them for a short time after my mom and stepfather had divorced when I was younger, about nine or 10. But my youngest brother, he actually just graduated high school, and there's a huge age gap because my mom had reconnected with my biological father. And although she was not supposed to have any more kids, she did. And so here I am as a 14 year old and my mom is again in a really toxic abusive situation with this person who really hadn't been in our lives at all. One of the most proudest moments I had of my mom that I still have with my mom is she knew she was pregnant, but she chose to leave and she chose not to keep us in that environment. And we were only there for a few months, but she chose to leave.

Kim Henry [: 00:06:31

And I know not just because of my profession and my experience, but I know how hard it is to leave, especially when you reconnected with this person. You thought you were gonna have a great life. We sold everything we had. We thought we were finally on the up and up, and that's not what happened. Instead, she's pregnant. You know, her oldest is she's almost 15. I was 14. And the funny story, I'll I'll kinda close here with the with the childhood, but a funny story is I was working as a full time waitress in Kansas.

Kim Henry [: 00:07:00

You can work when you're 14. So I worked full time going to school and I got a phone call on New Year's Eve while I'm at work. And mom says she's in labor. Right? And I've seen her get up three times in this whole pregnancy. And I've never actually told a lot of people that publicly, but she was struggling obviously through what we were experiencing. But I remember we drove up to the city as fast as we could. And my cousin was a nurse, so she got to be in the delivery room and she walks out and she's like, guess if it's a boy or a girl. And I said, it's a boy, isn't it? And she said, yes.

Kim Henry [: 00:07:33

And I just turned around and walked off and I was bawling my eyes out because to me, I thought I wanted a little sister. Because I was never the little sister. I was actually always the more mature one. And it just broke my heart because not only was it a boy, but now it's another child in the house that I have to take care of, that I have to help feed, that I have to stress about, right? And for three days, I did not hold him. I did not go near him. I did not hold him. And one day, we're sitting there in the doctor's office. They had taken my mom out to do something and nobody else was there but me and this baby.

Kim Henry [: 00:08:08

Right? That was kind of my attitude, this baby. And he started crying and I was like, I already got up and looked in the hallway. Like, I know somebody hears this baby crying. Like, somebody better come get this baby. I'm not holding him. You know? Again, I'm 14, so keep that in mind. But I'm not holding this baby. I got homework to do.

Kim Henry [: 00:08:25

Like, so he needs to figure it out. Nobody came and I don't know if that was God's way of working in my life. There's been a couple times in my life and I just kinda look up like, okay, thank you. I get what you're saying. And I go and I pick him up and he stopped crying. And we were best friends after that moment. He lived with me in Hawaii. He lived with me in the in between deployments.

Kim Henry [: 00:08:47

And he'd go to basketball games with me throughout my high school career. I was a basketball manager. I was not a good player, but I was the basketball manager and he got to go in the locker room with all the girls. He thought that was cool, and he got to sit on the bench at some of the games. And so he was my first sole responsibility in some ways. Right? And we he's lived with me a lot since then. He did end up going to live with mom, of course, and graduated high school. He's doing great.

Kim Henry [: 00:09:12

But I just have so much sense of responsibility in my childhood. Right? Like, that was my childhood is I didn't have the childhood. I had a younger life experience. Right?

Captain Kim [: 00:09:22

Well, one, one, it sounds like you were a fantastic older sister.

Kim Henry [: 00:09:26

Thank you.

Captain Kim [: 00:09:27

And two, you were talking about the brain, and I know you're a licensed social worker. And isn't it just so interesting how our brain accommodates, like, our situations as we're in our younger years? Because we really don't know anything else but to mimic the lifestyle that we're

Kim Henry [: 00:09:43

in. Yeah.

Captain Kim [: 00:09:45

And it becomes as we get older, it's like this dysfunctional normalcy. Yeah. And then we have to unpeel all of that and be like, wait a second. That's not how I was supposed to be. No wonder I felt weird when people were saying, hey. Why don't you just be a kid? You're like, that's all I know. That's all my brain knows.

Kim Henry [: 00:10:04

Yeah. Regardless if I'm working with a survivor or my day job or developing nonprofits or talking to my kids, I say normal is not I mean, it's a technically a a word. There is a definition for it, but what's normal is your normal. And there are things, of course, that are not okay and unethical and illegal and wrong. But to have this idea of I want to be normal is so far fetched. And so you're never gonna reach that. Right? Because who defines normal? Society, the people around us, the adults that were telling me, you should be a kid. Have fun taking your brother home from school.

Kim Henry [: 00:10:40

You know, like, I I thought it you want me to act like a normal 14 year old, but I've gotta go to work till midnight and then make sure my brother ate dinner on, you know, on my break and then also wake up at four in the morning because we're leaving for a debate tournament. But sure. Like, I'll work on that. Right? And so I just the term normal is not my favorite word.

Captain Kim [: 00:10:59

Yeah. Mine either. And it had to be so confusing for you.

Kim Henry [: 00:11:03

Yeah. It definitely was. And, you know, skipping ahead fifteen years, I have my two daughters who I always kind of fumble because depending on who I'm talking to, like, again, living where I live, like, it's kinda weird, I think, for some people, but I adopted my nieces. And I do call them my daughters. And I let them call me Kimmy. What they knew before I adopted them, they knew me as Kimmy. I don't make them call me mom. If someone at school is like, hey, give this to your mom, they say, okay.

Kim Henry [: 00:11:32

They just go with it, you know? And they recognize that I am their mom as far as being their caretaker and the person who is trying to do my best to provide for them. But when I got them, they were five and eight. And the five year old was nonverbal, never tried to be potty trained. He would, like, look into her eyes and there was just nothing processing. I mean, you would ask her a question like, are you hungry? And she's just staring at you. Right? And so she had some severe development delays and the oldest was eight and she was me when I was little. And we one, we look exactly alike. So people like that, she like, she looks like she could be yours.

Kim Henry [: 00:12:10

And I was like, everyone has said that since way before I adopted her. Right? And so I kinda giggled, but

Captain Kim [: 00:12:15

Were these your sister's kids?

Kim Henry [: 00:12:17

Yeah. They were my sisters. Mhmm. I was year nine of the navy. And so I know I'm kinda jumping ahead a little bit, but year nine eight or nine of the navy, I got them placed with me and it was kind of like, listen, I'm adopting them and this is how it's gonna be. Like, we're not I really don't wanna do this back and forth. I know my family. I know the cycle.

Kim Henry [: 00:12:36

Like, it's not gonna get any better. Right? But because there's not easy things to check-in the box, there's not jail time or drug use. Right? Like, the courts made it very difficult to just push the adoption through. And and then, of course, COVID happened. But they were placed with me in 02/2018, '3 months after my youngest son or my son was born. That to him, that's all he's ever known is that those are his sisters. And we've had those discussions. But with the oldest I mean, she's 14 now and people love her.

Kim Henry [: 00:13:06

They're always like, can JC come help and do this? Can JC do that? Like or JC could come over anytime. I mean, she offers to help with the kitchen, you know, and she's so respectful. And I know I always get, like, she doesn't think I do. I do get emotional talking about her because she is me when I was younger, and I am doing my best to try to tell her things that I wish someone was telling me when I was 14 years old. Right? Like, okay. You're probably talking to people like they're ignorant and it's not that they're ignorant. That's how you're gonna make them feel, but it's just because you've already made a decision in your mind on how this is gonna go. And any idea or any stray from that or any deviance or adaptation to the whatever you've already decided in your brain is useless.

Kim Henry [: 00:13:49

And so when you're communicating with them, that's kind of the the tone that you're putting off. Right? And for the first couple years, it was hard. I think she's now finally coming around to like understanding, like, if anybody understands what you're going through, it's me and people have told her too, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. And I'm like, JC, like, I know I cannot stand that saying, and they're not saying what they need to be saying to you, you know, and I'm sorry, but even telling her to relax at the softball play, you know, when she's up to bat in softball, I told her, JC, like, you may never relax. You may always be about to throw up every time you go to that base. But what you have to learn to do is you have to learn to manage that. And it's okay to be nervous. It's not that you need to just stop being nervous, because that may never happen, may never happen, but you just need to learn to manage that.

Kim Henry [: 00:14:37

I don't want her to wait till she's 27, 20 eight, 20 nine years old and all this therapy and other additional trauma that may have happened. Right? And her not having friends, her whole, you know, young adult, you know, life or or teenage life to experience that and then to finally say, oh, okay. I see. And there's things that I know she's not gonna learn. She's a teenager and they're stubborn. But it's just like she was meant to be with me to hopefully give her a chance. Right?

Captain Kim [: 00:15:02

Yeah. You were like her guardian angel. You've been through all that. No. Seriously. I love this this beautiful cycle of life. And even though our hardships are tough on us, there is a reason it happens. And you keep saying that you're like, she is me.

Captain Kim [: 00:15:18

And so you get this chance to, like, not only help her, but heal the inner child. I'm sure you do a lot of inner child work. Right?

Kim Henry [: 00:15:27

Yeah. And it's beautiful to watch, sometimes frustrating, and sometimes like, oh, she'll figure that out the hard way. Right? But, I mean, she is an incredible child. Like, being around her peers was hard. And again, we live in a very small town. It's very rural.

Captain Kim [: 00:15:41

You live in in Texas. Correct?

Kim Henry [: 00:15:44

Yep. Yeah. Cristobal, Texas. It's a very small town. They have so many great things that they do for the community. The school is very active. It's a great place to live. It's very beautiful out here.

Kim Henry [: 00:15:55

But when you're coming from someone's background like mine or JC's, and you're in an environment where when you talk about sexual assault or domestic violence and the majority of the community's responses, oh, good thing that doesn't happen here. You know, it's very just like, if they don't even if people don't recognize that these things are happening and they're not even gonna begin to understand or have some empathy towards kids like JC. I mean, she has friends, but she's also that girl that will tell you to stop talking smack on everyone. Right? And she'll just walk off. And I'm sure that she's been told that she's mean for saying that, you know, and I'm like, well, I mean, were they talking really bad about people behind their backs? And she's like, yeah. And I was like, okay. Well, they're upset with that, but that's not your problem. You could maybe fit a nicer, but at the same time, like, to what degree do you owe that person to be nice to them when you're trying to stand up for somebody else.

Kim Henry [: 00:16:49

Right? You are appropriate. You are kind of polite about it. Right? And so no, she's an incredible kid, and she's gonna go far in whatever she chooses to do. So I'm excited to watch it grow.

Captain Kim [: 00:17:00

I'm super proud of you. Good job, auntie, mom. Oh,

Kim Henry [: 00:17:04

yeah. I know. Thank you. Thank you.

Captain Kim [: 00:17:06

Well, you talked about sexual assault and domestic violence. Was that part of your childhood?

Kim Henry [: 00:17:12

Yeah. That was part of my childhood. And I say it's okay. Right? Because that's a typical survivor response. Like, oh, it's fine. I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Kim Henry [: 00:17:20

Everything's fine. Yes. Yeah. It's that immediate minimization of it. But, no. I mean, I went through it. There's still some that people don't know about. So there are experiences, you know, that I have gone through that I still have not told anyone.

Kim Henry [: 00:17:37

And then there's some experiences that I've had that I said, hey, I do not want this person near me or my children or my family. And instead of it being respected, when I finally disclosed what had happened to me by a family member, unfortunately, someone in my family went and recommended that person to actually keep the girls when we were going through the cuff. Yes. Because I was active duty navy. They said, well, we can't just depend on you. What, you know, who are some other people to that the girls could go to if the navy doesn't let you keep the girls or if they transition you before the adoption. And so I disclosed what had happened to me when I was 12 and rather than being believed and being respected, that person was actually at the top of someone's list to have the girls if I couldn't take them. It's part of it's the experience that you're going through and the trauma, but I in my personal experience, and I know this isn't the same for everyone, but everything that happens after that is 10 times harder.

Kim Henry [: 00:18:35

So it is a part of my childhood, but it's definitely still impacting my adult life.

Captain Kim [: 00:18:40

Well, yeah. Because what happened when you did finally disclose that? How were you treated? What was the response?

Kim Henry [: 00:18:48

Well, I didn't know that. Why didn't you tell me? Well, I was 12. What how was I supposed to tell you? And I later found out when I was 15, 16 that that person had done that to that person I had just disclosed to as well. So, you know, four happened when I'm 12, 14, 15, find out it happened to this person that's very close to me and then, you know, who's in the family. And then five years later, I'm trying to adopt my nieces or ten years later, I'm trying to adopt my nieces And I finally disclosed it to that person knowing they did it to you. Like, so how you knew that and you still let me be alone with this person. Right? And so there's a statistic and I need to look it up to see if it's been updated because I know from a few years ago, but essentially the first person that responds to a survivor, can increase their chance of suicide by sixty percent, I think is what it is if they respond negatively. It's so important.

Kim Henry [: 00:19:43

And I tell people, like, you may not know the exact thing to say. It may be a lot of news taken, but just say, how can I help? Or can I just sit here with you? You don't have to solve their problem. Right? You don't have to question them. You don't have to go to the police. You don't have to question them, like, as far as being doubtful. Just say, how can I help? Or can I just sit here with you? And that's it.

Captain Kim [: 00:20:04

Oh my gosh. That's so powerful because they already feel shame, guilt, betrayal, and all they want someone is to accept and love them. And if someone makes them feel like it's more their fault, I'm thinking through this right now as

Kim Henry [: 00:20:20

we Yeah.

Captain Kim [: 00:20:21

No wonder. Sixty percent. You're right. The way you respond.

Kim Henry [: 00:20:25

Yeah. That first person that someone discloses to can increase their chance of suicide very, very greatly. And so it's regardless if it's a podcast or a training or, you know, just sitting at a basketball practice and I'm talking about my work, I just when you don't know how to respond to someone, you can just ask, like, how can I help? Or can I just do I don't know what to say, but can I just sit with you? Yeah. You know, you don't have to hug them, don't have to hold their hand, whatever they're comfortable with. Right? Like, you don't really have to do much. Just be there and support them. But that doesn't often happen, unfortunately.

Captain Kim [: 00:20:57

Yeah. Well, you, it didn't happen with you. We're gonna get into that. I wanna hear what was the motivation to go into the military.

Kim Henry [: 00:21:05

That's a great question, especially since you started with the childhood. You know, when I was in high school, working all the time, I was in debates, and I went to state, went to nationals. I love it, and I I still follow my debate teacher on Facebook and check-in with him and his wife. How y'all doing? Right? Because they they were probably the only constant. And definitely, at that time, the only one who I feel truly believed in me in high school, they would correct me if I needed corrected. Right? And they would hold me accountable. They had high expectations of me, but I fell in love with debates because I was good at it. People depended on me.

Kim Henry [: 00:21:47

Right? I had to work with a team. I didn't have to be the best ball player. Right? Like, it was something that's not I think just to kinda throw this out there, I think that's why I'm so big on not everybody plays sports. We need to provide other opportunities because I did get scholarships offered to me for debate. And I was considering going to the university different universities for debate. I was gonna be a lawyer. Right? I had these ideas. What could bring in the most income to help my family? So I'm still very, again, making decisions based on my childhood.

Kim Henry [: 00:22:19

My future decisions and decisions about my future, but based on my childhood, which I think is what childhood trauma can again, how it just impacts you and all the decisions that you make. But I worked at a prosecutor's office there, and I realized, oh, most prosecutors have to be a defense attorney before they become a prosecutor. And I was like, I didn't know if I could do that. Right? And I'm only 18. So I now see now that I apply for civil rights and, you know, equity, I'm like, well, I could possibly have been a defense attorney. But in my mind, I just was not having it at 18. Right? Like, I'm not gonna do that. And so I was there filing paperwork, and I got a phone call from a Navy recruiter and was actually the last day of my high school days.

Kim Henry [: 00:23:01

You know, seniors graduate a couple I think their last day is like a couple days early before they graduate. So the last day of my high school, career, I should say, a recruiter calls me, says I scored really high on the ASVAB and they can come and meet with me. I had never considered the military ever, but they can give me a constant paycheck. They can give me a top tier clearance because I was gonna be an intel, and they paid for my college. I was like, well, that sounds like a good idea. Right?

Captain Kim [: 00:23:30

Very appetizing.

Kim Henry [: 00:23:33

I'll come and get you. So I didn't have it. I knew nobody in the military. I had no family, right? Like I think everyone's grandpa serves at some point, but I mean, it's just like, I didn't know anyone in the military, so I'm freaking out asking all these questions that probably now, like, were so embarrassing to ask. I don't even know what questions to ask. You know? Like, do I can I grow my hair back there? I'm like, oh, like, is that really a French?

Captain Kim [: 00:23:56

To a teenage girl, yes.

Kim Henry [: 00:23:58

To a teenage girl. Oh, thank you for that validation. And so I had already moved out. I was right to my own place and I, you know, again, was gonna have a job at this prosecutor's office and be the waitress and then go to school. But it was, you know, do I drive an hour and a half to college and come home so I could take care of my brothers who, again, are still young, or do I pay for a dorm and stay there and then just send money home? Either way, there's a lot of money that I don't know has come up with that I don't have. And they said, well, you can think about it and leave in December. Well, here comes a couple days later. And I graduate high school.

Kim Henry [: 00:24:41

And they call me. The recruiter calls me and says, hey. So I have that intel job that you wanted, but you have to leave in twelve days. And I was like, what? So, I mean, I'm in a serious relationship, you know, my high school sweetheart and just I'm like, wait, what about my brother? Like this house that I just signed the lease for? I'm like, where does my car go? You know? But again, just one of those moments in life where I had no control and I just went with it. And I'm so glad I did because if I would've waited around for six months again, keep in mind, I was in a very small rural town in Kansas. I was in a relationship, but it I now know how it was not the best relationship. Right? I was gonna have to be the caretaker, the breadwinner, everything, you know, hold so much responsibility in that relationship. And I just didn't have time to think about it.

Kim Henry [: 00:25:32

I didn't have time to sit here and over analyze and question and ask everyone else's opinion. Right. So I got my haircut and shipped out in twelve days. And that's not how I went to boot camp. I get to boot camp, but I know, like, what is this? And there's no harm here on the navy, but I was like, what is this?

Captain Kim [: 00:25:56

It's culture shock. Yeah. It is.

Kim Henry [: 00:25:59

I'm, like, around all these women. Like, one of them on any team, and here's this 25 year old and she's crying because she doesn't know how to drive and she doesn't know how she's gonna survive in the navy. And I'm just like, well, what? Like, do you have a driver's license? No. I was like, wait. How do you get you know, I was just so opened up to the world there. I was like, wait. People grow up without a driver's license? In my mind, I'm like, I've been working since I'm 14, and I'm now 18. You know? So I'm just like I mean, I've owned a car since I was 14.

Kim Henry [: 00:26:25

You know? Like, what are you talking about? And so it was just so many things. And so people were like, what's the hardest part about boot camp? I remember always the first night, we're sitting there stamping stuff and they're, like, yelling at us. And I was like, it's really not that serious, but let me put this stamp on my t shirt, you know, like and there's girls, like, breaking down. And I was just like, am I supposed to be crying? Like, am I is something wrong with me? Like, I I say dealing very I don't wanna offend anyone with using the word dealing, but dealing with 80 women in a small box was overwhelming. That was the hardest part of boot camp. It was just it was it was a lot. Right? And so that was my challenge in boot camp was how do you manage all of these emotions and tell them to suck it up, do your five pushups. Like, it's not the end of the world.

Kim Henry [: 00:27:11

Let's go. You know? People leaving because they're pregnant. I mean, just so many things. I was like, what is this place? You know? So I just I mean, I did great. I was in charge of laundry and I of course, the way that my brain works, I was able to organize a schedule, so we never got in trouble during inspections. We always had like stellar inspections for the laundry room. Our laundry was quickest, so they sent other divisions to our division so I could teach them how the process works. I mean, I got a promotion out of it, so I'm like, okay.

Kim Henry [: 00:27:41

Cool. Thanks. So that's I got promoted to yeah. So I get promoted and, man I mean, I I mean, I look back and I was like, golly, you know? And I the only time I cried in boot camp is I got a letter from my brother saying they may not be able to come to my graduation. And in my mind, I was like, that I'm doing this for you. Like, I'm paying you. I'm sending my entire check home. What do you mean? Like, I mean, that's the only time I cried and everyone was like, Henry is crying.

Kim Henry [: 00:28:10

You know?

Captain Kim [: 00:28:11

There must be something wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Kim Henry [: 00:28:14

So so that's the only time I'm like, I don't have a chance. And then, of course, when I graduated, I will admit that I was that one sailor who's standing out there in the whole parade grounds, you know, all of us in our dress whites standing there for the ceremony. And my mom, my my stepdad, my brothers, they were able to come, my uncle as well. I had a few people come be and be able to see me. And I remember they were like, we knew exactly where you were the whole time, because there's so many you usually can't tell. And I was like, oh, how? And they're like, you are moving the entire town. I was like, oh, yeah. I don't I am not talking out today.

Kim Henry [: 00:28:48

Like, I don't care. You know? I'll do some more questions, but I'm not gonna stand here and pass out. And so I was like, I promise I'll have good military bearing. Just I'm not gonna stay in here for three hours. You know? And probably the worst part of me in the military was I just marching. I didn't mind marching, but it was just I was like, I'm not passing out. So I don't care if I have to tip tap my toe. But I didn't realize it's so apparent when you're standing in a crowd of that many people, like, and you barely move, everyone sees it.

Kim Henry [: 00:29:13

I didn't know that. So yeah.

Captain Kim [: 00:29:16

Well, did you experience any challenges in the military as a woman?

Kim Henry [: 00:29:21

Oh, yes. And they will warn you. They don't repair you for that. Right? Two of my RDCs, I guess, are called in the navy. They were women. And I they do not I say they do. I can't say that because I don't know what they do now. They did not prepare.

Kim Henry [: 00:29:34

Right? And it's harder because how do they? Do they come into our compartment and tell us like, hey, y'all are gonna be women in the military. Here's our rates of sexual assault on the military, or here's what it's like to always have to justify yourself, or here's why you're always gonna have to try to convince everyone how awesome you are. Here's why you have to work 10 times harder. Here's why women blah blah. You know? No. They don't tell you that. They're not going to. Right? Like, I mean, that would not be very good recruiting tactics, I don't think.

Captain Kim [: 00:30:02

No. And they have a quota they have to meet, those recruiters.

Kim Henry [: 00:30:04

So

Captain Kim [: 00:30:05

they're not gonna tell you all that.

Kim Henry [: 00:30:07

No. It's a but it's quotas. Right? And so when I joined the navy, went to boot camp, I went to Florida for training tech school. And I remember I had to fill out, like, a request form to go home for Christmas. And of course, I did it to a tee. Like, I already have the maps printed out, how their destinations were I would stop, how's the time frame, how's the plan, you know, here's what I would do, here's the money in my account for if I need a car repair. It was just like perfect, I guess. And they were like, oh my gosh.

Kim Henry [: 00:30:36

I turned it in and they're like, this is the best one we've ever seen. Like, oh, you know, and it just felt good for someone to be like approval of me, right? And for someone to say great job and to see the work. And to me, I was like, it's really not that hard. Like, I mean, I'm 18, I'm sitting here filling out a form, but I was like, it's not that hard. And so I'm already starting the mindset of, like, why is like, what is wrong with me? You know? Like, it's not that they were just so in awe of it. And I just remember that feeling of, like, dang, I'm good at stuff. Like, I can do stuff. Right? And so we're there at tech school, I did get made fun of because I was always studying because I wanted to be number one in the class.

Kim Henry [: 00:31:16

There was a marine who beat me. There's always one. Right? Like, he got the highest score in the class and he didn't ever have to study. That was frustrating, but I studied my butt off and people made fun of me. But when it came time for graduation and picking orders, I got to pick to go to an advanced school, which looks great on your record. And then which is Texas, actually where I live now, And then to go to Hawaii, and almost everybody else went straight to a ship in, like, Norfolk, Virginia. Oh my god. Who's watching now? Right? I was like, it's not the navy.

Kim Henry [: 00:31:46

If that's been the military for you, like, I don't even know what it is. And I was like, so, yeah, that was interesting. But no. And then I come here to tech school, the the advanced tech school in San Angelo, Goodfellow Air Force Base. It was kinda boring. There's was not much to do here back then. So I started working out a lot, you know, and getting in really great shape, and making friends and so far so good. And then I go to Hawaii and get to Hawaii to the direct support shop.

Kim Henry [: 00:32:15

I had no idea what I was doing. I did finish the top of my class, but in in the field of cryptology, there's so many different jobs you can do within that one field in the navy. Right? So they're like, we're gonna send you to this workshop. And I'm like, I don't even know what they do. Like, they didn't teach us that. Right? So in the navy, I was direct support, which means I wasn't attached permanently to a ship. I was just on the ship when it went on deployments. And so I'm stationed in Hawaii.

Kim Henry [: 00:32:43

The building that I'm in is on Pearl Harbor. There's still bullet holes in the building from when it was attacked. It's kinda cool, but also kinda creepy. And very old building, and we were just there hanging out essentially until we deployed. And so my first deployment was in Japan. And while I was in Japan, I was there. That was my first experience, unfortunately, with with sexual assault. I'd never say just.

Kim Henry [: 00:33:09

Right? Like, the return just is such another another term I don't like to use. It was just groping, you know, but compared to some of the other experiences I had, like, guess it wasn't that bad, you know, that's what survivor mindset is, let's minimize. But that was kinda my first experience and immediately some of the sailors that were with me were like, well, you've been drinking so like you don't really remember and so now they're telling me what my narrative is. You know, I'm crying, bawling my eyes out because I'm just like, I don't know because I was drinking, but we're allowed to because we're here, you know, but that shouldn't have happened. I told them no. Right? And, like, they're more worried about making sure that this doesn't cause a problem and that the guy's not gonna be in trouble because it was their friend.

Captain Kim [: 00:33:50

So then we start second guessing ourselves saying, really? Was it my fault? I was drinking. I was Yes. Yeah. You almost become that narrative that they're telling you.

Kim Henry [: 00:34:00

Yeah. Exactly. That also speaks to that immediate when you're in the military, you are surrounded by the military. You eat, sleep, workout, shop, sometimes get your taxes done. Right? Go to the post office all in one base. Like you technically, in some ways, don't ever need to leave the base to live your life. You are surrounded by that. And there is unity in that military, but that unity can be counteractive, counterproductive, I should say, because that unity turns into, well, I don't wanna be the one standing out saying something or standing up for myself because everyone else is gonna unite with that person.

Kim Henry [: 00:34:39

So now I'm the one that's out. Right. And that unity is just like, of the offender or the person who might have done wrong. And then that survivor and that victim is left to, like, well, do you really wanna do that? So a lot of people don't realize that in the in the military. You can't just get up and leave. You can't just move. You can't you can't just go home. That's not how it works.

Kim Henry [: 00:34:59

You literally sleep and work in the same spot of these people. And so what am I supposed to do every day? How am I supposed to behave? What am I supposed to say? Well, now I'm not gonna hang out with them. Well, everybody's gonna know. Right? And so that was my first experience. And while there in Japan, I was there for the tsunami. I say I wasn't there for it, but I was there when it happened in two thousand eleven. And luckily, we're safe. You know, obviously, I'm here today.

Kim Henry [: 00:35:25

It's still difficult to watch, like, documentaries on the tsunami because we were in Yokosuka, and we had no idea how severe it was. We just didn't know. They just everything just shut down in Japan. And it was until the next day I get on Facebook and there's two fifty notifications of people asking if I'm alive and if I'm okay and we finally start seeing pictures and we were like, oh my gosh. And of course, we get on the ship and go do search and recovery. We went through the power plant, radiation clouds. That's fun. I, again, just being very exposed, opening my eyes to, oh my gosh, you know, we're floating by these massive boats, these houses, these massive buildings.

Kim Henry [: 00:36:00

Like, how is this even possible? But then realizing, well, the country's literally underwater, you know? So that that was a lot. That was very eye opening. And we came back to port after a couple weeks. There was some good news. I was actually accepted to the Naval Academy preparatory school.

Captain Kim [: 00:36:18

Congratulations. Thank you. So I

Kim Henry [: 00:36:21

was accepted to that. And essentially, you go there to the preparatory school for a year, and then you go to the Naval Academy. The preparatory school, a lot of people don't know about the prep schools, but essentially, I mean, there's about 256 kids from high school, and then there were, like, 36 of us who were already active duty navy. And you go there because you basically didn't make the cuts to get straight to the academy. But being prior military, you're already enlisted. It's to get you back into the swing of academics. Right? Because it's a very rigorous curriculum. And so I went there for went to Newport

Captain Kim [: 00:36:56

and

Kim Henry [: 00:36:56

was there. I, again, I'd already been, you know, exceptional and had won some awards, had got some qualifications that year that I was in Hawaii. Now I'm in Newport, there for technically an academic school year. Unfortunately, that was one of the more severe experiences. I was there and I was in charge of restriction, which means I was in charge of all those students I got in trouble. And after going through what I just went through in Japan and the pride that I've had in wearing a uniform and just in the military and, like, people that have died right before us, especially women that aren't always recognized. You don't see our names on gates, right, like, on front gates of big bases as much or buildings. The priority was very much about athletics, and you're wearing your uniform with your pants hanging below your bottom with white socks, like, your shirt is hanging down to here.

Kim Henry [: 00:37:49

You know, it looks like you have a V cut. Like, it doesn't even fit you anymore. It was so hard for me to kind of adjust to that. Like, where am I? Again, now I'm in another environment. I remember, like, where

Captain Kim [: 00:38:00

am I? I'm familiar with territories. And

Kim Henry [: 00:38:04

long story short, while at the Naval Academy Preparatory School, I was experiencing sexual harassment by a male chief. And I tried to report it. I didn't even report it. I just went to his officer and said, can I please get in another division? Can you please tumbling me alone? I don't wanna have to report to him by myself. Well, that officer went and told that chief. That chief pulls me into his office, shuts the door by myself. And, I mean, I had the text messages. I had the emails.

Kim Henry [: 00:38:29

I had video proof of what he was sending me. And he pulled me in his office and he shut the door and he said, you know, when you go against what people want, it your life gets harder. Sure enough, the next three months was measurable. I was hazed. I was chased by other another officer and, like, attacked in my like, he was, like, banging on my door because I locked myself in my room. My roommate was doing really hateful things, a lot of bullying, a lot of just mocking. I mean, they let me be destroyed. And three months later, now it's time to graduate.

Kim Henry [: 00:39:05

Three days before graduation, they're telling me I'm not graduating. I'm not going to the Naval Academy. And I said, why? Like, I passed my physical test. My grades are fine. What do you I've like, yeah, I've been in trouble one time that that was you trying to get me in trouble for reporting sexual assault that are excuse me, sexual harassment. So I appealed, and I found out the teachers helped me, and I found out that the officer and that chief were actually trying to make me sound crazy. So I went and got a full evaluation done. They said, you're not crazy.

Kim Henry [: 00:39:31

I just can't believe you're going through all this. So I appealed. Somehow it went all the way from the Naval Academy Preparatory School, like on a Friday afternoon, all the way up to the superintendent of the Naval Academy in Annapolis. But I think he was on vacation in like Iceland or something and back down and Monday morning, I had the answer of no, your appeal was denied. And I know that my appeal never even left the office. It never, it never I mean, let's be real. It never left the office.

Captain Kim [: 00:39:58

Yeah.

Kim Henry [: 00:39:59

So I didn't come public about that until November 2023 because I just felt like it was time. But now I'm having to go back to the fleet. I went back to Hawaii because everyone knew I was a superstar there. Right? So it was like, okay. I could just say, well, Henry's back. You know what? Being an officer wasn't for me. So from day one, I'm lying to everybody about not going to the Naval Academy and saying, oh, it was my choice. Like, I just I don't wanna be an officer.

Kim Henry [: 00:40:23

I don't wanna go there. Like, no, I'm good. When really, I didn't have a choice. That choice was taken from me. So being a victim of violence, especially sexual assault or domestic violence, there's so much control that's taken from you. And that control was taken from me. I had no choice. I filed an inspector general report.

Kim Henry [: 00:40:42

Immediately, they send me on deployment because I'm qualified in a lot of things. And the inspector general calls and says, well, it fell through the cracks. Sorry. And so nothing ever happened. That chief actually went on to be an officer himself. So it was even more of a slap in the face. So now in my mind, I have to be number one. I have to be the best at everything because if I'm the best, nobody can question me.

Kim Henry [: 00:41:01

And that led to a lot of me not having friends, led to a lot of hurt, a lot of exhaustion, burnout. It's it's and it's all just so unnecessary. So no I mean, it was a very difficult time. And of course, obviously I made it through, but after that was the first time that I considered suicide in the military. And the only reason I didn't is because I had to take care of my brothers. I felt, well, who's gonna take care of my brothers? So that's what kept me alive.

Captain Kim [: 00:41:27

That's amazing. You kept that purpose. Yeah.

Kim Henry [: 00:41:29

Mhmm.

Captain Kim [: 00:41:30

Because you need a purpose. And, you know, you tried to stay true to yourself so many times by sticking up for yourself and saying, this doesn't feel right. This isn't right. Not that it just doesn't feel right. And then to be counteracted Yes. And punished for it.

Kim Henry [: 00:41:46

Yeah. Remember my childhood. Remember where I'm from. The opportunities that come from that town. At that time, I didn't know anybody else who had graduated from a military academy. It it I would have been the only one in that area. So you did not. Right? And so so much was taken from me.

Captain Kim [: 00:42:00

So much was taken for you. For our closing statement or question, we always ask because of what you've gone through, what would you tell women who want to go into the military, who or who are in now? What advice?

Kim Henry [: 00:42:17

That question always gives me goosebumps. What I would tell women either considering or who are already in is to be true to yourself. In the Navy, they say nobody cares about your career more than you make sure you keep track of all your documents and your orders and your awards. No, nobody cares about you more than you. And you have got to remember that nobody is gonna see the value in you that you know that you have. And no matter how perfect you are, no matter how many awards you win or how many departments you reorganize and make more efficient or all the things, you know, that that you can see on my record, it's like, it doesn't matter how awesome you are. You cannot judge your value or your worth off of a massive organization who ultimately you're replaceable. You're replaceable, unfortunately.

Kim Henry [: 00:43:04

And you are anywhere, not just the military. I wanna say that. But your worth is what you have to hold on to, and you cannot gauge your worth off of others and their experiences or their opinions or the impact that they've been able to have on your career. Right? Like, I'm still standing and I'm still here. And I know if I've always wondered if one of these people ever heard my pod one of my podcasts that I talk about this on, they're gonna know I'm talking about them. They're gonna know it's them and they're gonna know that they did wrong. And there are few people who know a lot about the details of that and some other situations I've experienced, and they're always clapping for me. Right? Like, you keep going.

Kim Henry [: 00:43:41

Like, the world doesn't know your story yet. They don't know all of it, but when they will, like, there's gonna be some head nods. You know? Like, good job. I get through it by remembering that my value and my worth is what I define and not defined by anybody else.

Captain Kim [: 00:43:54

Such inspirational advice. And I just wanna say that your dedication, adaptability, your resilience, and the fact that you went on to take such traumatic experiences. And we didn't get to talk about it, but it will be in the show notes. All the work that you've done to protect people that have been in violent situations is so appreciative. And so I just wanna thank you for doing what you do and staying strong and doing the work yourself so that you can help us, us, meaning female veterans as well.

Kim Henry [: 00:44:35

Well, thank you for saying that. If I can, I'll I'll say Daisy being my service dog. I can't do what I do every day if I didn't have Daisy. I tell people when they're like, how can you adopt kids, or how can you have your master's degree or be licensed, or how can you run your own business, or all these things, you know, how can you do this? How can you do that? I'm now a college professor, adjunct professor. How can you do all that if you need a service dog? And I tell people, like, I do what I do every day because Daisy does what Daisy does. And she is my constant. Right? And she allows me there are days when I don't need her and she'll just snore all day. Right? But there are days that I know when I'm feel alone that I'm not alone because I have her.

Kim Henry [: 00:45:15

And she does so many cool skills, but she also is a representation that nothing is expected of me from her, but she will still be there to support me because for so long that wasn't the narrative. It's like, well, to help you, what do I get? Right? To help you or to support you, what's in it for me? I don't have that with Daisy. You know, her skills are one thing, but just her presence is a whole another thing. And so I just wanna encourage any women, whether you're in the military or not, everyone's journey is different. Everyone's experience is different. Never compare never ever compare your trauma to somebody else's and say, well, I guess it wasn't that bad. Right? Because there's experiences I haven't talked about publicly yet that people don't know about. But that doesn't mean that my experiences are less important or less severe.

Kim Henry [: 00:45:59

They do shape us. They do have a role in who we are and and how we define ourselves. Not everyone needs a service dog, but I will say everyone needs their something. Everyone needs something that can support them in their journey. And then that journey looks different, you know, and maybe fifteen years from now, I have bawled my eyes out about it, you know, who knows? But I wake up every day knowing that I have a life that I love. I have a wife. I have kids who are amazing. My step kids, you know, we call ourselves the chaos crew.

Kim Henry [: 00:46:28

You know, there's eight of us in total and we just bought a new house. I mean, we like, I have the life that I have, and I'm happy. And I don't stop walking my walk just because other people either may disagree with it or they're offended or scared or intimidated. If you're not doing anything wrong, you don't have anything to be worried about. Right? And so I keep walking.

Captain Kim [: 00:46:49

You're right. And you created this world now where you have this, like, super supportive community. Like you said, your kids, sweet Daisy, your wife. And so you can stay true to yourself now without someone telling your narrative and those people supporting you, which allows you to heal and grow.

Kim Henry [: 00:47:12

Yeah. And we all have our different healing as well. And so what whether it's restorative justice or I have my journals. I mean, there's so many different ways that you can heal, so many different things to consider. But, again, there's not a normal way to heal. There's not a black and white instructions. It's just waking up your every day and looking forward to the next one.

Captain Kim [: 00:47:32

Yeah. Well, Kim, thank you so much for sharing and for giving your advice and for being so vulnerable. Thank you for being with Dog Tag Diaries.

Kim Henry [: 00:47:42

Yeah. Of course. Thank you.

Captain Kim [: 00:47:45

Thank you for joining us on this episode of dog tag diaries, where military women speak their truth and share their true stories. Every story told here is a step towards understanding, healing, and connection. Share this episode with someone who needs to hear it. And remember, your voice matters. Together, we're building a community that empowers, uplifts, and inspires. Stay connected with us. Follow dog tag diaries. Leave a review.

Captain Kim [: 00:48:17

And let's continue to amplify the voices of women warriors around the world. Your voice matters. Share your thoughts and reviews to help us grow, improve, and continue making an impact. Until next time, stay strong, stay true, and keep sharing your story.