Journeys Across Oceans: From Service to Spouse -10
In this episode of Dog Tag Diaries, we delve into the unique experiences of transitioning from active military service to becoming a military spouse. Melissa Washington shares personal stories from her 6-month Med Cruise and 6-month West Pac deployments during her short time on active duty. She reflects on how these experiences instilled a sense of discipline, resilience, and adaptability that has influenced every aspect of her life.
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Transcript
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Dakota [:From the Navy ship to the challenges of being a marine spouse, join us as Melissa Washington shares her journey of transformation from a disciplined service member to a steadfast advocate for veterans.
Kim [:In this episode of Dog Tag Diaries, discover how her experiences on a 6 month med cruise and Westpac deployment shaped her resilience and deepened her commitment to the veteran community.
Dakota [:Tune in to hear stories of camaraderie, sacrifice, and unwavering support, all intricately connected through the shared experiences of military life.
Kim [:Welcome to Dog Tag Diaries, where military women share true stories. We are your hosts, Captain Kim.
Dakota [:And Captain Dakota. The stories you are about to hear are powerful. We appreciate that you have joined us and are eager to learn more about these experiences and connect with the military women who are willing to share their stories in order to foster community and understanding.
Kim [:Military women are providing valuable insight into their experiences, struggles, and triumphs. By speaking their truth, they contribute to a deeper understanding of the challenges they face and the resilience they demonstrate.
Dakota [:We appreciate your decision to join us today to gain insights and knowledge from the experiences of these courageous military women. Thank you for being here.
Kim [:In this episode of Dog Tag Diaries, we delve into the unique experiences of transitioning from active military service to becoming a military spouse.
Dakota [:Melissa Washington shares personal stories from her 6 month med cruise and 6 month Westpac deployments during her short time on active duty.
Kim [:She reflects on how these experience instilled a sense of discipline, resilience, and adaptability that has influenced every aspect of her life.
Dakota [:Thank you for joining us today. We're excited to have you on.
Melissa Washington [:Yes. I'm excited to be here.
Dakota [:So how we start our podcast is we would like you to kind of talk about yourself as a child and growing up.
Melissa Washington [:I grew up in the, East Bay San Francisco area. I am the oldest of all my of all my cousins, all the grandchildren, son. And I also have 2 younger brothers as well. I had a great childhood until 13. I played softball and did the Girl Scouts. And then my parents had issues, and things changed. So I went I ended up going to 3 different high schools in very drastically different high schools. My freshman year was with all the people I grew up with, and then we moved to a whole different area and different.
Melissa Washington [:My parents ended up splitting up, so I ended up living with my well and since they were in my foster family, my best friend's parents lived with them, part of my sophomore and all my junior year. And things changed, then I'm end up moving back in with my mom, different high school. I wanted to be a preschool teacher. That was my early childhood education. That was what I was going for. So I was in, a vocational, program that we had. So my senior year so here I go to a new high school, but I'm only there part of the time because the other part, I'm going to get my certification early child education. Then graduate high school, then I go to community college where I finish up my early child education certification.
Melissa Washington [:And then, also during this time, that is when I joined the Navy. I joined the Navy at 18. I graduated 17, joined the Navy at 18, shipped off to boot camp at 18, then turned 19. But my I mean, all these things. Right? All these things that happen, even though they're in some ways traumatic, in some ways, you know, a lot of things, it's part of who I am today, but I've always been in and I forgot who told me this one time. They said they called me fiercely independent. My mind will tell you that I cut my own umbilical cord. Right? So having that, in some ways, being independent and that resiliency just as a person, I helped me get through a lot of the stuff that I went through as a child.
Kim [:You need so much security and resiliency because during that time, those high school years, like, your social circle is so important, a secure environment is so important, and it sounds like you didn't have any of that.
Melissa Washington [:Yeah. I did not. So it had it had it not been for my best friend at the time, who I made the friends and I moved in my even my sophomore year, I mean, had not been for the parents, I don't know I don't know where I would've been had they not helped me out. So here they had, you know, 2 teenagers, then they became my parents. I'm able to call them. I mean, they're they've passed away since, but, I mean, they're they were my mom and dad at the time.
Kim [:Well, what was the driving force to go into the military and why the navy?
Melissa Washington [:One of the things too is the opportunity to get away. Just get out of where I was. At that time, like I said, I was in in community college and, you know, just like an opportunity to serve in the military. Of course, you know, you're 18. You're so I mean, naive. I mean, knowing things. And so it's like, okay. I'm gonna go check them out.
Melissa Washington [:So I assume by most people in your your town, you have all the the branches next to each other. Right? It's at the Stroke Mall, and then you've got the branches of the service there. So it's one of those things where you you know, I went over there and the marine corps was there, but then they wanted you to, like they had, like, that coolant bar in there. Nope. Not for me. Right? So you just you know, and they have that that this again, being a being a girl, a young woman at the time, you know, some bad stuff can be very intimidating. And then, you know, you air force I think the air force office was closed. They were closed. I knew
Kim [:There's a surprise. They were out on a week vacation to Hawaii.
Melissa Washington [:They were. They already made their quota. So they were gonna, like, k. And so I joined the navy. Nobody believed me that I joined. My parents didn't even believe nobody. Like, oh, you didn't join the military. The senior chief who, you know, did all my paperwork, he's like, oh, this dude.
Melissa Washington [:He was nervous because he never put a girl into the navy. That's why he's like, I've never put a girl into the navy. You know? So they were it is, like, one of those things where they didn't have all the information. Like, what they told me I should bring to boot camp was not what I should have brought to boot camps. I ship a lot of stuff back because they didn't know. So here, you know, I'm popping all this stuff and yep. And so it did the pass, and then they said, okay. We'll let you know your ship date.
Melissa Washington [:And that was September 1991 when I shipped. But what's interesting though, because, you know, this is the Gulf War is happening. All that stuff has happened at the time. So then people are like, oh, you know, if you go, you're gonna have to be somewhere in the way and whatever. I really wasn't worried about that. But, also, another big scandal was Tailhook, and that was a big navy scandal, which I have to look down about Tailhook, if you remember at all about that.
Kim [:Can you give us a brief description? I don't know. Do you know about that?
Melissa Washington [:Yes. So it was, don't quote me specifically, but it was where there were, naval pilots, I think marine corps pilots, and a lot of inappropriate conduct was happening to women. And they called it tailhooks. So it was like, this is a big scandal. So you have to Google it to find out more. So this is all happening at this time.
Kim [:Were you aware of it?
Melissa Washington [:Yeah. Because it made mainstream news. So they never like, oh, you know, this and I didn't know what freaking tail I don't know if I could say curse on it or not, but I don't know what a tail hook is. I'm like, what does that mean, you know, and all these other things that are happening.
Kim [:Dakota, did you find it?
Dakota [:Yes. It says it was a military scandal in which the United States Navy and US Marine Corps Aviation officers were alleged to have sexually assaulted up to 83 women and 7 men.
Melissa Washington [:Yep. Nothing was in Las Vegas, if I remember correctly.
Kim [:Yeah. Okay. So then how did that make you feel? Were you scared?
Melissa Washington [:Because you just don't know. Right? You don't like, okay. I don't know. Was it I mean, I was probably more scared just being shipped off and going to, you know, from California to Florida, for boot camp. Yeah. That's where they sent me. So it's, you know, September. It's I mean, the weather is freaking horrible.
Melissa Washington [:The humidity and I don't do well in humidity. Like, my whole body just, like, swells up and just everything. So just and then having a going through booking with the time. And I mean, we all have our our different experiences going through that. And good thing I remember too, cell phones like they all say. I mean, nobody really had a cell phone unless you were somebody had a, you know, it was larger phone. So that wasn't a thing. So everything was communication was writing or going into the phone booth and, you know, making a a phone call for that.
Kim [:And can you tell the listeners again what years you were in?
Melissa Washington [:So I went in in 1991. I already knew my my rate. So it's interesting too because when I when you take the Azovab, right, and then the recruiter comes back and gives you, like, oh, these are the things, you know, that you qualify for interest. And I don't know how I am qualified at all for electricians, mate, because I have 0 in that kind I I didn't take that job, of course, because I would not have been anywhere a great electrician's mate. I went back, so I went in as a storekeeper supply. Okay. I I can do that. So I went to Orlando, Florida, which Orlando, Florida is the boot camp that's no longer there.
Melissa Washington [:It's gone. It's I think it's, condos and other things there, so it's no longer and it's a few years after that they closed that down. So my next was where my a school, and then they would call it a school, and that was in Meridian, Mississippi. So I went there, Not a fan. I mean, hopefully, it's changed right now. You know, a lot of racism there. They had a we had a warning that they're gonna close the base of a KKK rally. And this is 1991, 1990, 1992.
Melissa Washington [:So I went there. This is where I met who would be my husband. So I always say, well, why did you join the navy? I mean, I joined the navy because if I didn't join the navy, I wouldn't have met my husband. And my husband was already he was already in the the marine corps for 4 years. He was there because his MOS was tanks, and he was in the fur you know, in Desert Storm, and they closed that MOS. So he was going to school for his new MOS, and that's where we met. And, technically, he wasn't supposed to fraternize with us because he was already e 4, and he wasn't supposed to talk to us, you know, E 1, E 2, E 3s.
Kim [:Yeah. That's true. Yeah. What you're saying, Dakota, about the E 4s?
Dakota [:The E 4 mafia.
Kim [:E four mafia. Yeah. Okay. So then how did you meet? How did you actually meet?
Melissa Washington [:If he was here, he would tell this story a little bit differently than me. Right? It's just our own perception. So it's Thanksgiving. I didn't go home for Thanksgiving, you know, the holidays, and there is a volleyball court out there in the middle of the barracks. And that's where we met when he slammed the ball in him in my face.
Dakota [:How romantic.
Melissa Washington [:Oh, you know they were. We just were both slowness. Or then we just started, you know, we started talking, and and he had a car too. So, again, you know
Kim [:Oh, you're a smart woman, Melissa.
Melissa Washington [:Right? Everybody knows. Like, whoever has the car, so he had the car so he can go off the base to, you know, Waffle House or So, yes. So we met, and I got my assignment to Little Creek, Virginia. And he got his assignment back to California. So we pretty much we stayed connected, but not connected. It wasn't like, okay. We're gonna get married, married, and we're gonna be boyfriend, girlfriend kind of thing. I was like, can you go back? I'll go do my my thing.
Melissa Washington [:And then I was stationed on board the USS Grapple, which is a rescue salvage ship. It's a smaller ship. So remember at the time so remember, we gotta remember how long ago this was, that women were only allowed on certain ships. So we could only we could be on noncombatant ships. So the rescue salvage ship that I was on was a noncombatant, but the ship was primarily divers. So that we had a whole the whole chambers, the decompression chamber for the divers. So that was our the mission was, you know, something crushed in the water, we would go out to salvage whatever crushed in in the water. So, again, remember, you know, I just turned 19.
Melissa Washington [:So my mom we drove my because I had a car. So my mom drove with me cross country so I could have my car with me when I got in Virginia. So I had my car, which didn't matter much because not but after, we were going on a 6 month deployment to the Mediterranean. And, I was happy. I mean, it's a great experience. I mean, when you're that age, to be able to go to all these really cool countries from, you know, Spain and Portugal and France and Italy and Bulgaria, Greece. I look up I have a jacket over there. It has all my the ports on there.
Kim [:That's a beautiful experience being that young.
Melissa Washington [:Oh, yeah.
Kim [:I'm army in Dakota's National Guard, and we have very little knowledge about what a Med Crews and Westpac is.
Melissa Washington [:Yes.
Kim [:And you did 2 they're deployments. Correct? But 2 separate 6 months each.
Melissa Washington [:Correct. Yeah. 6 months for it's called the Mediterranean cruise, and they just shorten it to a med the med cruise, where you go on a 6 month deployment through the Mediterranean country. So it wasn't you know, there are other ships in the portal where you pull into a base. Like, Rota Spain was you know, it's a a naval base. But one of the cool things is I was, like, you know, like, some of the cool stories from that. And on the ship too, some people ask, well, I mean, there was, I mean, there was a good amount of women. It wasn't, like, 50/50, but it was still it wasn't like was, like, I felt like I was the only woman.
Melissa Washington [:I mean, there was I'd have to look just count how many. And, actually, our our XO that they brought on board, actually, we're in the med cruise as a a female. And, actually, she, I think, retired not that long ago as their, like, order admiral there. So our ship was small enough to fit in, Venice Canal. So when I think of Venice Canals, I'm thinking, like, the little, like where maybe one of those little gondolas. Right? That but they're like, no. We're gonna go. And, I mean, it was it was wide enough, and we pulled in there for the day.
Melissa Washington [:And we pulled in in front of, a German ship. So they were so curious, like, many times of when you have women on ships because Germans didn't have any women on the ship at that time. So they invited all it was like open invitation for all the for us to come over there because when they had, like, a full on bar, you know, kinda thing going on on those ships, I mean, it was, you know, interesting experience there. You know, I I had a good time. You know, you said people, you know, you hung out with and did stupid stuff. And, thankfully, when you took pictures in, you had to get the film developed. So, thankfully, you know. Right?
Kim [:It wasn't being thrown out to social media right away.
Melissa Washington [:No. Right? I mean, oh my gosh. It's some of those things that we all did were on social media. Totally different time back then. So when I think back, one of the things is I didn't like the East Coast. I'm from California. I like the West Coast. Different you know, and it snowed in Virginia.
Melissa Washington [:Like, I don't I'm not a snow person. And I said, you know, I wanna go to San Diego. How do I get there? Because I I had to, you know, fulfill my enlistment, and I was still a little bit had to wait. You know, the you have to wait. But, you know, there's always, like, about one person that knows, like, stuff. They're like
Dakota [:Mhmm.
Melissa Washington [:It's called the swap. And I'm like, okay. Well, what's a swap? And it's where you find a person of equal rank with equal time as well as a female because, right, certain billets, they have, you know, have to have so many women. So alright. Again, this is there's no Yahoo, no Google, no nothing at this time. I mean, it's straight up like calling. So I found someone. I found her in San Diego.
Melissa Washington [:I was e 4 at the time. E 4, you know, all that. And so once she would then we would slip. I mean, we have, of course, go and get all the signatures and everything to get it approved. And, of course, stuff takes a lot longer. I mean, probably now everything's online. I mean, this is, like, literally a carbon copy piece of paper that I had to get approved to develop that to transition to San Diego. So transition to San Diego went to 32nd Street, which is a big naval base in San Diego, and went on aboard another ship, which was a destroyer tender, lot bigger than the ship that I came from.
Melissa Washington [:And the primary focus of the and it's the USS Acadia. The focus was to tend to the destroyers. So you have your own internal operations, right, of people on the ship, and then you have those that help support the other ships. Get on there. I mean, that was supply on the smaller ship, which was great because I pretty much did almost everything because you're, like, the only one, except for, you know, you're the chief or the supplier, sir. So now you go to the bigger ship. Now you have to start kinda over again. So it's like, okay.
Melissa Washington [:You start in our the warehouse, and then, like, oh, yeah. You know, you gotta go get forklift certified. And I was like, oh, okay. You know? It's like, wow. You know? And and silly me. You know? Again, when you're young and say dumb, but it's like, oh. So I went to the exchange. I brought myself, you know, this nice civilian outfit and brand new shoes.
Melissa Washington [:Oh my gosh. That was so stupid because we got to wear our civilian clothes to the forklift school. The whole shoot, everything got messed up, but I got my forklift license.
Kim [:Congratulations. Yeah. Yeah. You did it in style.
Melissa Washington [:Yeah. I I did. I did. It was cool. It was cool just to, you know, say, hey. I've got my, I've got my forklift license. And then, they're like, oh, yeah. But I knew of that ship because during Desert Storm, they were came back from Desert Storm, and they were named the love boat because of all the pregnancies on there, that ship.
Melissa Washington [:So that's why I tell people I was in I was on there after they came back.
Kim [:Well, you just told us because I was just gonna ask, what do you do? Is there a lot of downtime? I mean, you're 6 months out at sea and then sometimes at port. What do you do?
Melissa Washington [:Well, there's all kinds of things to do again. Remember, these times are a lot different now. You know, you can't FaceTime or Skype with people. Yeah. You just had activities. But one of the cool things, though so I was really into soap operas. Like, one of my children was, like, that was, like, my soap opera. And this is VHS tapes.
Melissa Washington [:So my dad would record all my children episodes on VHS tapes, and he would mail them to me. And he would number them. Right? So that way, we make sure we'd have the right ones. And I kid you not, men and women, they'd be waiting for that. Like, did you get it? Because then we'd all sit and we don't go and tell my children.
Dakota [:That's fun.
Melissa Washington [:So that was some things that we, you know, pass help pass the time. But you're still working, I mean, especially with, you know, supply needs or other things, whether in port or supporting the other ships. So the we go out. The fleet goes out and we go. We stop And, of course, every you stop in Hawaii. You know, it's Western Pacific. That's why, you know, you stop in Hawaii. Talk about a moving experience.
Melissa Washington [:I mean, you put on your dress lights and you are you know, you man the rails and just to go into Pearl Harbor. I mean, just giving me goosebumps right now. You're just standing there. I mean, just and if you didn't cheer up, I mean, I cheer. I'm mentoring up and just getting the goosebumps just manning the rails going and, you know, pulling the Pearl Harbor. So from there, well, things were also heating up or were already happening in Somalia at that time as well. So in that 6 months, went over to Bali. So I turned 21 in Bali, which was fantastic, and there are photos of that.
Kim [:What did you do?
Melissa Washington [:Your PG 13. Oh, yeah. I have this one photo, and I was, like, passed out on the table. Oh, and what we do in the navy too is we have cruise books. So I have a from each of our deployments, I have a book, like, a yearbook from the med cruise and then the west kind. So then you have all, you know, everybody's photos like you do in the yearbook, and then you have all the each ports that you go to, which is great because sometimes you forget what ports you went to. Like, oh, I just I'll just searched through my cruise book. Oh, that's right.
Melissa Washington [:That's right. We were there. So I spent Christmas in Somalia. We are anchored off the coast of Somalia because we are supporting all the other efforts, all the other ships that were anchored off the coast. And down there, it's the weather. It's it's not cold. Like, here, it was it was I mean, it was just it was horrible there. So then we finally left there, went to the, you know, went to the Persian Gulf.
Melissa Washington [:We went to Hong Kong. It was really cool to go to Hong Kong because this is when there were still the British rule. So, you know, because now China has the role. So, you know, spend some time in in Hong Kong and in Japan. So it's a really cool experience. So now it's now we're fast forwarding. Now it's early 1994. And well, before I left for the 6 month appointment, I reconnected with Gerald, who's now my husband.
Melissa Washington [:He was stationed at El Toro, which is a well, was a Marine Corps Air Station in Southern California. And we reconnected and like, okay. Well, when you get back from your deployment, you know, we talk about getting everything, all that stuff. But at the time, president Clinton was downsizing the military. And they were taking people whoever you know, if you wanted to get out, should get out. So I raised my hand and I said, you would like to get out. I know I was gonna marry. Jared's one of those kids that grew up knowing he's gonna be in the military.
Melissa Washington [:Like, he's gonna go and spend, you know, 20 something years. Like, okay. Well, then we'd have to be dual service and, you know, seeing some of that would I mean, okay. And I'm deployable. He's deployable. Like, let me out. So there's some pushback. And then again, I had to do the paper piece of chip the chip to to the paper to finally say, I can get out.
Melissa Washington [:So September 1994, so 30 years ago. So this is cool, though. My ship was in San Diego. I'm from the Bay Area. And just so happens, they were going up to Alameda, which is a, you know, a naval base, my ship. So my ship pretty much brought me home because they were just doing some operations in there. So I got to travel home, which was cool because here we're ported there, and then I got to have other family and friends come on the ship to, you know, to see the ship and understand more of what I was doing. So that was a pretty cool thing.
Melissa Washington [:So I got off in September. During that time, of course, I was, you know, I found a job. I I got out Friday, you know, started the job on Monday, but I was also planning my wedding. So I got married in October. So we're celebrating our 30 and our 30th anniversary this year.
Kim [:Congratulations.
Melissa Washington [:Thank you. Thank you. 30 so got so September, we walked off the ship. October, we got married. December, he deployed. I mean, November, he deployed. So it's like, I got out. So here I am active duty, walking off now, and then now I become a spouse.
Melissa Washington [:So, like, that's, like, my transition story. And and he goes and he go he goes on a 6 month appointment on on the rail cost carrier. It's a different experience.
Kim [:Yeah. How was that transition for you?
Melissa Washington [:It was honestly, it was hard. So the first 6 months I that he was gone, I moved in. I just moved in with my parents and just stayed there until he came back. And then we'll figure out, okay, where are you gonna go there? Then we got settled in San Diego and he got back. But, I mean, he's, did multiple deployments during our marriage. But, you know, so I'm trying to fit in with spouses, marine corps spouses. I'm very much, a social you know, I like to socialize or talk to people and, you know, you had some of the, like, more so the officer wives were kinda like, oh, we shouldn't be talking to you. It's kinda like they tried to put it that, like, okay.
Melissa Washington [:If you're enlisted, you're here. If you're officer, you know, you're here. And and soon I was friends with the ex wife. And the marine corps has they call them key spouses. They there was key wives with that we're called back then. Now it's like a key volunteer, key wives, or spouses now. So I even participated in that, but there were some I mean, there are obvious time before he retired, you know, in the different places we went. There are some spouses that didn't like me.
Melissa Washington [:There are some active duty that didn't like me because if I talk to the spouses because some of those guys, they didn't want their wives knowing stuff. Like, right? So I knew stuff because I was in active duty. So it's like, okay. You know you know, the pay date, you know, just certain things. So that really wasn't appreciated. They didn't appreciate it. That's okay. I survived.
Kim [:You speak your truth.
Melissa Washington [:Hey. Right? You know?
Kim [:And remain fiercely independent.
Melissa Washington [:That's right. So then he he was in San Diego. Then we moved to Los Angeles where he spent 5 years on recruiting duty, which was horrible. Horrible. Horrible. I remember him deployed. That was just you know, to try to recruit in Los Angeles at that time, you know, really important. You know, they're, like, heavy on numbers, and, you know, you gotta make your mission.
Melissa Washington [:I mean, it was, like, 7 day a week job.
Dakota [:Wow.
Melissa Washington [:But before that, before we moved to San Diego, I was trying to get pregnant. And at the time, the military there, they didn't have IVF at the time. But they had other other infertility treatments. So I started in San Diego. And then when we finally go into Los Angeles, I looked up all the, like, who takes TRICARE. And I'm like, UCLA Medical Center. I'm like, oh, yes. I'm gonna get pregnant.
Melissa Washington [:I'm gonna go to UCLA. You know, it's like, blah blah blah. But he's also deploying back and forth. And then I just, you know, I kept trying and, you know, injections and all that stuff. And it it wasn't meant for us to have a child that way. So we ended up going through the foster care system in Los Angeles County and went through that whole process.
Kim [:Melissa, if we can backtrack, I had 2 questions. 1, when you were on base and your husband was deployed, did you notice that the other military spouses had prior duty like you did?
Melissa Washington [:I can't recall really anyone that I knew of the spouses that were prior service.
Kim [:So you're the only one that you knew of that had military experience?
Melissa Washington [:Yeah. There's different assignments that he had. Yes.
Kim [:And 2, do you think it is easier being in the military and being overseas in the know or being behind the scenes and not knowing what's going on?
Melissa Washington [:I think it depends upon the type of person. So I'm glad I was in the know because I knew. In in some ways, it made it easier for me because, you know, you have some wives or, like, the needy wives. Like, you know, it's like, he would do, like, workups or he'd be gone for, like, a week and then there you know, some spouses and it's and you can't ask them. They're devastated. I'm like, he'll be back. You know? So it's just I'm glad I knew stuff because I knew stuff about defense. I knew this about KD.
Melissa Washington [:I knew about okay. If you have issues, you go to the sergeant major. If you have issues, this is who you go to. And then all to the all the politics and then, you know, the other stuff that they try to keep in house kind of stuff.
Dakota [:Yeah. That's good stuff to know.
Kim [:So did the other spouses use you as a resource?
Melissa Washington [:Some did and some didn't didn't wanna hang out with me, which is fine. We didn't live on base. We live off base. But I'll tell you, before he came back on one of his deployments, I had a lingerie party in the house for the wives.
Dakota [:Aw. That's a good idea.
Melissa Washington [:So there are pictures that we had to get to develop again. This is still, you know, but, yeah, there's no.
Kim [:I bet the people that were developing
Melissa Washington [:you know, they were like,
Kim [:oh, no. Pictures.
Melissa Washington [:Well, yeah. And because of more than just lingerie. So it's kinda like we should've had this when they first left because those are things you might need while they're gone. But it was cool because, like, I look back on the photos. Here I am. There's the sergeant major's wife was there. The XO's wife was there, you know, enlisted. Because it to me, it didn't matter.
Melissa Washington [:Right? I mean, it's just, like, that was a thing. And I'm sure things are different now. I mean, even I was in I mean, it's like, the officers, they were here and enlisted were here. It's like, oh, like, when we go out, like, when the ships are pulling, it's like, oh, if the officer of the their group is over here, don't go and, you know, hang out with them kinda thing, which is fine. But, you know, we felt that too in the the ranks.
Dakota [:Yeah.
Melissa Washington [:I'm probably telling you, like, more than I should, but I'm just talking.
Kim [:No. This is all good. That fiercely independent woman is gonna lead us right into the amazing thing that you created, which is the Women Veterans Alliance
Melissa Washington [:Yes.
Kim [:Which is the premier women veterans global connection hub.
Melissa Washington [:Yes.
Kim [:How did all that come about?
Melissa Washington [:I worked in corporate and marital. I did all kinds of different things. But one of the things that actually, I know 10 years ago, I wanted to actually, like, touring network and connect with women. You know, I'd started other networking groups and I do a lot of networking. So, like, I'm not, like, we're, like, the women veteran. Let's get us together. And you weren't wasn't interested in the traditional legacy groups out there for different reasons. And so December 2014, I have sent out an email to people I knew.
Melissa Washington [:I did a Facebook post and said, hey. In January, I forgot what the exact date was in 2015. You know, we're gonna have a little networking meeting. It wasn't women veterans lines at the time. There was a meetup. It's like, hey. Woman veterans. If you know any woman veterans, tell them, you know, come here at 6 o'clock at El Torito's in Sacramento.
Melissa Washington [:And they came. I mean, there was you know, we had and what I love and it it's unfortunate too that El Choritos that we were at is no longer there. It was demolished and and buildings there. But, you know, in the in the restaurant so we reserved a table. So, it's like one of those, like, big, long tables. Right? So, we're all around the table. Nobody really knows each other. And it's officer enlisted, all branches of women there.
Melissa Washington [:And, you know, we're networking and we're laughing and we're crying, you know, and we're eating and we're drinking. And it was just an opportunity that I always get goosebumps when I talk about it because it was opportunity for us to really connect. And and then so many women were like, oh my gosh. You know, we we needed this to have this. And so that that day, we agreed that we'd meet the 3rd Thursday of every month. And I said, well, I will find a location. We'll switch it around. We'll go to a different restaurant, and we can, you know, find a speaker.
Melissa Washington [:So that's what we did. And we also said this is only open to women veterans. So when I say women veterans, I also I'm also an active duty guard and reserve. So when I when I say that, that encompasses all of us that raise our right hand and wear the uniform. That's all it would be. We wouldn't allow others in, to have it. So the next month, we met, 3rd Thursday, and then it just kept rolling. I mean, it kept I mean, it was just like, oh my gosh.
Melissa Washington [:Now and it really was a limited deadline so, like, probably, like, the second or third one. It's like, okay. Now we have to have a name. What do we call this? Yeah. It's a it's a networking group meetup. So create a name. It's like, oh my gosh. Now I gotta get a website.
Melissa Washington [:I gotta get a Facebook page. I, you know, I gotta I gotta start doing all this stuff because now I now this it becomes a a business. Right? It's like setting all this stuff up being what you have to do with any business. So I'm not gonna pay. Well, thankfully, I've owned a business before, and I had my own consulting at the time. But one of the things that I was being asked from the other non woman veterans is, can we come to your meetings? No. They could come to speak if there are speakers. So say it's, you know, Bob, the realtor.
Melissa Washington [:Right? And he wants to come and talk about buying, you know, using your VA home. Well, Bob could come and he could speak, and then Bob's gotta leave because this is this is the group. So I'm like, well, let's create a mix and bingo where we can have everyone come, right, and it becomes this just this big networking event. So July of 2015, I created mix and mingles. And it was every quarter, and it was different locations. It was a little different type of format, and that just invited the community and those that wanted to network with women veterans. And so that was the 1st year. It was all just pretty much the greater Sacramento area, but then it started to go.
Melissa Washington [:Then it started to just continue to grow there. And never I would have never thought where we are today, I would be here because we're gonna be celebrating our 10 year anniversary in January. But we didn't start as what we are today. It grew. I mean, it was organic growth of just it was a bunch of women, you know, getting together. And then that grew so much that we're gonna have another chapter, and it just kept growing into these chapters. And then 2016 so before that so the state of California used to have a women veterans conference every year. So the last one they've had, they had still today, it was the big one, 2014.
Melissa Washington [:I'm like, let's put on a conference for women. There was Woman's Alliance Conference. Let's let's do something because I have I used to work at LinkedIn, and I used to do global corporate meeting plan. I know how to do conferences and events. And so one of the things too is I wanted this to be different than other conferences. So that's why I called it the unconference, which still called the unconference. It stuck. People say why the unconference? I say it's not your typical conference, which I'll get into all the cool things we we do at the so 2016, I put together the Northern California Women Veterans Unconference.
Melissa Washington [:Northern California. But Lemon came from all other places there in 2016. So that's when it just, like then I mean, we just had our 7th one in Las Vegas last year. So that's you know, it just continued to grow. So then it's like now it's somewhere with the Northern California one. It's just continuing to grow into this organization. But one of the things too is and people say, well, what are, like, what are, like, the hurdles, or what are things that issues? So a lot of the things too with us is when you're sitting for a woman veterans group, you get different reactions or different assumptions. So people wanted to pigeonhole us into this, like, one first, like, oh, and then, like, a support group.
Melissa Washington [:Yeah. We are. But it's not it's like, whether it's MST or support group or, you know, they just wanted to say, well, oh, how or how can you have all these, you know, women veterans getting together? Are you a DSO? Are you like a BFW? No, we're not. So it was Still today, I mean, we're There's really nobody likes specifically like what we do. And it was all created because of these different needs. Right? And then I realized the needs of these women. And one of the things and more than one woman has told me this and share with the group. She says, I feel like I could take my mask off when I come here.
Melissa Washington [:To really have that is so empowering and to be able to provide an environment for women to feel like and there's the thing too with veterans. It doesn't matter. Even when you're with the it just it's just different. It's this different place. And and some of the stories that women would share, they said, I haven't shared this in 25 years. It's just stuff that's there. Right? You're just because the way I the meetups is everybody had to go around and share who they are, you know, if they're looking for a job, if you're you know, have a business. You know, let's help each other and and network.
Melissa Washington [:But then I didn't even have, like, agenda or themes. I just didn't it wasn't a formal meeting. We didn't do the pledge of allegiance, so we took notes. It was just you know, it's a meetup. We're breaking bread. We're having food and drinks and and sharing with each other. And you just go around, and then there becomes that one person that was meant to be there and for all of us to be there for her.
Dakota [:That's beautiful.
Kim [:We're so glad that you provided that because you talk about this growth, this extensive growth, which just means that women veterans actually needed that community, that safe space.
Melissa Washington [:Absolutely. And all women veterans. Right? It's not just because a lot of times, like, exposure of women veterans are like you know, they go to stand down because they need help or other things. But we're so I mean, you know, when I was talking about we're reflect reflection of society, but there are so many women veterans who oh, great example. Women she was I talked to her. I I live near, Bill Air Force Base. And I was talking to this woman. She's getting ready to retire after 20 something years.
Melissa Washington [:And I was showing her, you know, because I'm I'm hyped about my you know, this group I got. Hey. You know? Come on. We love freaking to come on. And then she's like, well, I don't I don't need that group. I don't I don't need that kind of stuff. And quick on my toes, I said, but maybe somebody there needs you. He sure did show up to that next meeting.
Melissa Washington [:Because right? Because then the first thing's all about her, what she needs, but it wasn't about what she can provide to others. So, yes, women come there. They can be successful moms, business owners, and a career, whatever. They may not need anything. Maybe they have all their benefits, but there's something that they can give to somebody else that's sitting there. And also, too, one of the things I think it's so important that we involve food, especially women, right, to break bread and truly have that fellowship with each other. Because it it changes things when you're in there eating. And then if the restaurant happens to have, you know, adult beverages, then, you know, you can have those too as well with that.
Melissa Washington [:So there's so many great stories or things that have come from those meetups or women that didn't identify as veterans and because they went to the one of those meetups, they're a veteran. But, like, I'm and they'll say you know, they'll tell you that. In 2014, I launched which actually comes 10 years ago. I launched my first book called Get Back to Work. So when I started this, I was on this already this path of, you know, I'm gonna go around and promote my book. I was also doing speaking. I was doing LinkedIn trainings and coaching. So that was, like, my business piece.
Melissa Washington [:But then this came, and it's just like it overtook it, which was fine because there was such there was a need. And, you know, we talk about passion, but this is my purpose. And I'm very passionate about that. And then to maybe I didn't you know, I didn't realize that it was one of those things where, like, okay. This is what I meant to do. I'm good at doing this. I have the connections and how can I start? This is my purpose. And it was at any cost, but I think too also when you start your own business too, you know, you gotta have financial things.
Melissa Washington [:So I told my husband, I really wanna do this. And now I've got, you know, some little consulting little stuff, but I gotta make this work. And how do we do that? Because we're a 2 income family. How do we make this work for me to do this? And this it wasn't it's not like my passion project. I mean, in some ways it is, but it's there's just so much depth of what I was doing. And, like, okay. I'm gonna make whatever it works. I mean, I move right out to my house.
Melissa Washington [:I mean, I'm serious. And these are things I did because I knew this is what I wanted. This is what I was here to do. And everything in my life, you know, especially even my career, these have all been stepping stones for me to be successful in what I do today. Because had I not done other things, I couldn't do this because one of those things, whether relationships I get built, I was able to reconnect with those relationships to help our women veterans. And then also too, a lot of people ask me, well, you're a spouse. Why don't you support the spouses? Yes. I do.
Melissa Washington [:But for me, there's a lot of things out there for spouses, and they have a better network or support system than women veterans. And that's always my primary focus. I I hope any veteran, whether it's male, female, regardless I mean, family member, whomever. But being such an underserved and unrecognized community and really understanding them, like, okay. This is where I need to be. And things have evolved since then.
Kim [:And you continuously, visibly get to see the change Yes. In these women, military women.
Melissa Washington [:Absolutely. And it's like, how do we reach more? Right? Because, yeah, we're 2,000,000. I mean, I barely scratched the surface. But if I look at all the partnerships we have with other women groups, I mean, our our reach, it's it's theirs. It's like, where do we you know, how do we find these these women so we can help them and really under you know, understand and help them where they're at. And I think that's such a key thing because, you know, I know we we talk about taps or other things. But if you're looking out and you're at 27 years old, you may not be interested in buying a house or you may not be interested in these things. These are just things you don't really need to know at that time.
Melissa Washington [:But now is the time. Now I need to know where do I go to help. And that's why I want us and we've we're there as that connection hub for us to be that connector so we can help her. We can help her. You know, I get calls from parents or, you know, spouses or therapists. There was a time, I don't know what it was, but I was getting calls from therapists, civilian therapists, because they Googled and they found me, and then they was you know, they didn't tell me who the person was. They'd ask permission to show me information. I'm like, absolutely.
Melissa Washington [:Like, you know, I'm I'm working with this woman, and she's got these things. And I just wanna be able to connect to her. I'm just like, absolutely. And because it's important to have that connection and be that connection hub.
Dakota [:Absolutely. Very essential.
Melissa Washington [:Yes.
Kim [:And Melissa Washington, the fierce independent woman that you are, we are so happy that you are here because even for Dakota and I, and I do need to share this with our audience, when we told you about our nonprofit, which is for military women, and then our podcast, which is for military women to tell their stories and speak their truth, you right away were like, oh, we need to get you on I think it was the allies women veterans
Melissa Washington [:Yep.
Kim [:Organization directory. Right away, you were so passionate. You were like, if a woman needs something from Central Oregon, you they need to be able to find you. You're just so passionate about everything. And, seriously, that fierce, independent little girl that you were, and you stayed true to yourself. Seriously, you stayed true to yourself all these years, even through all those traumas and tribulations that you've endured, like, we're so proud of you. We're so proud to know you, and thank you for being on our podcast.
Dakota [:So how we like to close out is if your daughter was to join the military, what advice would you give her?
Melissa Washington [:She would not be joining the military. My daughter should not be joining the military. She's autistic, so she wouldn't qualify to join the military. But if she were, I would tell her, well, that's the thing too is real quick is to have people that can advocate for you at home. And I feel that's so important too. So whether a woman goes in the recruiting station with another woman, right, or a young girl is to have this because we know those recruiters sometimes. They'll sell you some shit, you know, and it's like, oh, I didn't know I signed up for that. But right? But if again, if women can help other women, I still feel, you know, women should, you know, should join the military.
Melissa Washington [:We still need women to, you know, volunteer and join the military. But it's having that person you know that can you can call and talk to to be the advocate or somebody that needs to take action to do that. And I've given my cards many times to parents whose daughters are thinking of joining. I said, I said, you keep my card. The parents, you keep my card.
Dakota [:Mhmm. Good. I like that. Having a good support system.
Melissa Washington [:Right. And we we need that. And maybe I can't help you, but if someone else can. And I think that's important too. Right? So it's like if I have a woman who, you know, is in the army or y'all wanna talk army talk, I mean, I can, you know, let's let's connect connect with the army stuff. Right? And we can, you know, hoo and all the other stuff together. But it's fine. Right? But that's the thing too, is to have those people that have shared experiences.
Melissa Washington [:Right? Because there's experiences that we have in the same. There's some that are different. But to be able to connect someone, whether somebody has PTS or MST, you know, to be able to connect them with another another woman who's had that experience and that's come you know, overcome that or that can share that, and that's so important too.
Dakota [:Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Well, thank you again for joining us on our podcast, and thank you for sharing your story.
Melissa Washington [:Yes. Thank you both. I appreciate it. Appreciate you.
Kim [:Thank you for tuning into Dog Tag Diaries. We appreciate your willingness to listen and engage with these stories as we understand the challenge that comes with sharing and hearing them. Your support in witnessing the experience of our military women is invaluable. These stories are meant to inspire and provide meaning, and we hope they can help you find your own voice as well.
Dakota [:If you or anyone you know are in need of immediate help, call the crisis line by dialing 988, then press 1. There are resources available to help and provide guidance during difficult times. Please visit our website, www.reveilleandretreatproject dotorg to learn more about the Reveille and Retreat Project, including upcoming retreats for military women and resources. The link is in the show notes. We'll be here again next Wednesday. Keep finding the hope, the healing, and the power in community.
